Stop Signs and Cliffs

I haven't felt like blogging lately. And I don't know why. Maybe it's cause sometimes I feel like I have to be in a certain mood or else it's just blah blah blah. But I thought that I should update a bit. Cause it feels like a lot has happened.

Doug got a promotion at his work. He got moved to manager and an extra shift during the week. That means that two of his shifts will be regular work shifts, and three will have managerial duties (he'll oversee the people on shift during that time). 

The same week that Doug got offered the position of manager, I got noticed by my District Manager, and told that he wants to promote me to Assistant Manager. I haven't declined or accepted or had a change to pursue it (I haven't gotten to talk to him directly about it). I would be able to be manager because I have a college degree. I'm just not sure if I WANT to be a manager. I've seen a lot of stuff go down in the three years that I've been there. And part of me is hearing the message that we've been taught all our lives: Do what makes you happy. But then I hear that other voice of responsibility saying that it'll look good on a resume even if I don't stay there long. And that I can save money for the future since I want to be able to be with our kids as much as possible (which are still nonexistent!). And that other voice that we've grown up with: Sometimes you have to do things you don't really want to do, to sacrifice to "get ahead" in life. I don't like that I wouldn't have as much flexibility. Volunteering at youth group will be harder. Making plans will be harder. Spending time with my husband will be harder. These are the thoughts going through my head. Not to mention the turn over rate of the managers right now and all of the drama going on with those positions. 

This past weekend Doug and I got to go to Hume Lake for Winter Camp with our High School Church group. It was my second time counseling, and I felt a lot more comfortable than last time. I was talking to Doug while we were there how much of a time capsule Hume is for me. It's there that I feel all the time that has passed since Joshua. It's there that I feel old (I know I'm not!). It's there that I feel most inadequate. I know that's crazy. But Hume left a lot of hurt in my heart. It's the place that has grown me and broken me and healed me (all through the grace of God), yet it also hurt me almost most of all. The summer after I finished Joshua, Doug was told by one of his old Joshua mates that someone had talked about me and warned Doug that I had issues. That someone was a person that I trusted. A person that had helped me so much through the program. Who I thought understood and didn't judge me. But apparently I had too many issues. Who doesn't? I felt like Hume disowned me. That nothing that I could ever do would ever be enough. I'd always be the girl with issues. The ironic thing is that through Joshua I've conquered those issues. That dark door has stayed closed for 5 years. I love what God does through that place. Even as an adult there's something about it that touches me.

I think everyone questions how much that they have spiritually grown. Brennan Manning says to stop constantly measuring how much you've grown because it implies that you can become full grown. Not to say that we shouldn't be aware whether we are growing or not but stop obsessing how much we have grown, how many inches and feet, and how much taller we are than that person over there. I constantly go through different seasons of my life, and I find myself saying, "I feel closest to God now," And then there are times that I let myself get too busy, too distracted, and too self-sufficient. And each time God brings me back, closer and more intimate than before. I'm currently reading Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" and I'm really enjoying it. There's a lot of truth to absorb and think about, so it's hard to read a lot at once. I'm enjoying the journey that I'm on. In a way, I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. A cliff that I'm not scared to go over. A stop sign in life. The breath in between yelling Geronimo and hitting the water.

My girls and I (except for Shayde, who was scared of heights so went back up to the vans before we took our picture)

Love these mountains

And this guy...

A lot...

I think that's all that's really new with us. Next week is shaping up to be a busy one. But in a good way :]