About a month before Coen was born I was listening to a country pandora station and heard this song and really liked it. Then I forgot all about it until my mom texted me about it and reminded me. So this song has been on my heart during the hard times. Of course, during those times I feel more like, "Yeah right!" but I know that is true.
Already there are times when Coen will finish eating and he's sleeping and I'm just holding him. Doug will suggest putting him down so that I can do something, like sleep myself or eat or shower. But I told him that I'm just too conflicted. Of course I want to do those things (especially sleep!) but I really just want to hold him and stare at him to soak it all up. It feels like such a waste to put him down sometimes. I know it's going to go so fast. Too fast.
About every other day I'll have a case of the baby blues. At least I think that's what they are. I always thought of the baby blues as being depressed or sad for no reason. No good reason at least. So I don't know if this is baby blues or not. I'll have some trigger that really overwhelms and stresses me and I'll just break down. Usually when I feel like I'm unable to take care of Coen, when I'm unable to feed him correctly, or get him to sleep. And I'll just have these thoughts of what a terrible mother I am that I can't even care for him. It's an ugly, dark place to be in and it usually strikes at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and extra tired. Doug really takes care of me in those times. I've been leaning on prayer and worship songs. Especially this one:
Coen's umbilical cord came off a little yesterday. It was hanging on by a thread for a bit but was still gooey underneath and needed to dry out. It's not infected or anything, just not done healing. So hopefully that will heal up soon so we don't have to be so careful with diapers and clothing and handling him.
I'm still healing and feel pretty immobile. I'll be up for about 20 minutes or so and then am in too much pain and have to sit or lie down. I feel like I'll be doing a lot better once I'm healed and am only exhausted, not in excruciating pain off and on.
Well, Coen's sleeping on my lap as I type this, but I could use a nap. Here's to many naps over the next week!
1 comment:
Actually, you are suffering because you are an amazing mom. You suffered through a hard delivery to give your son the best possible start in life. You did it! You are being very successful in nursing your son evidenced by his regaining his birth weight in only one week! You are sacrificing other needs and pleasures to bask in the wonder of his precious little self. You are in pain and exhausted though and that is tough. You are wise to turn your focus on Jesus to sustain you during this time.I feel kind of useless in my old age and have to rely on His grace and strength every day. Life is full of memories. Some we are glad are in the past and others we would like to hold unto and cherish. Remember always, no matter what, "the God of the mountains is still God in the valleys." Old age comes faster than one can imagine when young, Enjoy the journey!
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