I had hoped that I would be better at blogging and writing more of Coen's early months down. But he keeps me so busy that when I finally have a free moment I'd rather eat or sleep or shower. At least I keep track of his happenings on the Calendar that hands in his room. It's like a daily baby book.
1. Coen's first Christmas was a success. He got a lot of toys and a lot of things that he needed like a high chair and a pack n play. He mostly loved the paper and would get mad when you took it away from him. He loves all paper. He eats the mail before I can get it home and the church bulletin when I'm carrying him to the car.
2. He's getting close to crawling. He'll reach for a toy that's out of reach and go onto his belly and then reach his little arms out for it. He can scoot and turn but it seems to be more because he's squirming. I don't think he's really understood that he can move his whole body to get to places. He's almost there though and then all hell will break loose.
3. He's starting solids slowly. I don't really know what approach I want to use, whether to give him purees or follow Baby Led Weaning (pretty much skip purees and give them real food to give themselves). He isn't really good at feeding himself but he really wants it. If I eat something in front of him that he wants he gets really mad until I give him some. So I guess I'm kind of blending the approaches. I don't really give him purees but will put the food in his mouth. He loves bananas and sweet potatoes. He didn't like applesauce. And he had his first french fry today and he really liked those.
4. He lost two of his toys yesterday when we were shopping: his rattle ball and his hedgehog. Luckily he's young enough that he didn't know they were gone. But I was bummed, even though they both could be replaced. Luckily they were both at the same store so we were able to recover them. I know this is just the first of many lost items. So much to keep track of with a baby!
5. He still doesn't have teeth. I think he has had real teething days, they just haven't popped up. Although I feel like whenever he has days that he's cranky and we're not really sure why we just blame it on the teeth. Yesterday at the store he was doing his "Mmmm mmmm" moaning sound and a lady comes around the corner and goes, "Oh, he's teething, that's the teething cry." I thought it was kinda funny because it wasn't at all, it was the sound he makes when he's really tired and he's fighting sleep. I felt like, "Why are you telling me what my kid's cry means? You don't know him..." I know she didn't mean anything by it at all, and she was really sweet. Five minutes later he was asleep in my arms.
6. Coen loves skin. He loves pulling on faces and arms. Sometimes it's really cute and sweet and sometimes it makes me cry out in pain. He also loves to pull hair. To Doug it feels really good so he lets him play with his hair. However, it does NOT feel good to me and is really painful. Whenever he pulls my hair I have to remind myself that I can only blame myself at this age for wearing my hair down.
7. Coen still loves books and is starting to enjoy them more sitting up. I'm starting to run out of books that I remember as a kid and we've read through most of the Berenstain Bear books. There's a lot of books at the library but a lot of them are dumb. I know once Coen can pick them out himself I will be reading a lot of books that I think are dumb, so I'd like to read books that I enjoy now.
8. Coen is starting to babble consonants. He goes "daadaadaadaadaa." It's super cute and smiles real big when you do it back. It's like he's saying, "You get it!" I keep meaning to teach him sign language but I haven't had a chance to look into how to teach it. All in time I guess.
9. We went out of town for Christmas and Coen slept horribly. It was the first time he'd spent the night anywhere besides home. The first night at the hotel I ended up sleeping with him in one of the beds. The second night we ended up on the couch of the house where we were staying. And then when we came home he wouldn't sleep anywhere besides with me. For a night and a half he was in our bed. But I just can't co-bed. I'm so torn on the whole thing. But I really need some time to myself to unwind. And I don't sleep well with him right next to me. I love cuddling with him and love holding him when he's sleeping, but I'm not able to get the rest that I need. And I feel like I can't be an effective and good mom when I'm exhausted. So by the third night we had him sleep in his bed. We had done some sleep training at the beginning of December so we did some of that again. It worked a lot better than I thought and he stayed in his crib after ever feeding throughout the night. I could write a whole blog on our sleep adventures (and probably will in the future).
10. As Coen gets older we keep being like, "This is the best that you've been." Don't get me wrong, there are some things from when he was a newborn that I miss and won't get back. I loved how he would sleep for so long during the day. I loved cuddling up and watching movies and sleeping. I liked holding him and reading for hours. But I love learning more about him. I love watching him play with his toys. Watching him notice a different toy that he wants, drop the one that he's holding, and go after the new toy. I love watching him problem solve. I love making him laugh. Sharing my life in little ways (like sharing a banana or a muffin). I like that he likes going for walks in his stroller. I love seeing him sit in the bath and splash and play with his toy boats. As he's getting older he's more interactive and more aware and it's so rewarding. I'll miss having a newborn, but every day the adventure gets a little bit sweeter.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Object Permanence
Coen was a little grumpy this afternoon. He woke up from a nap and was crying real tears. He cried through his feeding and after about 20 minutes he finally perked up a bit. So we played. I gave him some mixing bowls which he loved. I also gave him a baking pan and a spoon. He liked picking each one and hitting other stuff with it. I showed him how to hit the spoon against each of them to make a fun sound. Then he took the spoon and banged on the items as well. It cracked me up and I had no idea he could be shown how to do something and then turn around and do it!
Once he got bored of that we read a few books while he chewed on the spoon. Then it was time for a new activity so I grabbed his burp cloth and started playing peek-a-boo. I think it was last week that I got a reaction from the game for the first time. He'd chuckle each time I revealed my face and wait for the game to start over. So today we played for a long time. I must have hid behind the cloth at least 40 times. Sometimes I hid his face but he seemed to like it best when I was the one to hide. Every time I took the cloth away he was delighted to see me and his face lit up and he'd chuckle (still only does small short laughs). He still hasn't mastered object permanence which is why the game is so great to him. Object permanence is being able to understand that things continue to exist even when they cannot be observed. So every time I pop out from that cloth it's as if I magically appear to him. It's also why you can remove an item from the baby that you don't want them to have, hide it, and they'll forget about it. Older children will just go and grab the item from behind the couch, or open the cabinet to get it back out, because they know that the item still exists.
As I was playing with me it struck me how oftentimes we haven't grasped object permanence when it comes to God. We'll see him work in our lives and we know that it's God. We praise him for his faithfulness. We cling to him through our storms and trials. He is there when we need him. God always shows up. But that's all that it is to us sometimes. We think of him showing up but He never went anywhere. Instead He is there, waiting for us to pull the cloth aside so he can say "peek-a-boo." We act like He doesn't exist when we can't observe Him working in our lives. We forget that he exists when we can't observe Him.
But that's completely wrong. Whether we're hiding behind the cloth ourselves or we feel like he's hiding behind a cloth, He's still right there. Sometimes waiting for us to seek Him. Sometimes whispering and quietly working in our lives. Sometimes shouting to get our attention. But he's there.
I need to have spiritual object permanence. It's easy to come to God in trials. It's harder in good times. It's easy to praise Him in good times. It's harder to continue depending on Him during good times.
I love getting little spiritual glimpses through things like a simple game of peek-a-boo. What a gift.
Once he got bored of that we read a few books while he chewed on the spoon. Then it was time for a new activity so I grabbed his burp cloth and started playing peek-a-boo. I think it was last week that I got a reaction from the game for the first time. He'd chuckle each time I revealed my face and wait for the game to start over. So today we played for a long time. I must have hid behind the cloth at least 40 times. Sometimes I hid his face but he seemed to like it best when I was the one to hide. Every time I took the cloth away he was delighted to see me and his face lit up and he'd chuckle (still only does small short laughs). He still hasn't mastered object permanence which is why the game is so great to him. Object permanence is being able to understand that things continue to exist even when they cannot be observed. So every time I pop out from that cloth it's as if I magically appear to him. It's also why you can remove an item from the baby that you don't want them to have, hide it, and they'll forget about it. Older children will just go and grab the item from behind the couch, or open the cabinet to get it back out, because they know that the item still exists.
As I was playing with me it struck me how oftentimes we haven't grasped object permanence when it comes to God. We'll see him work in our lives and we know that it's God. We praise him for his faithfulness. We cling to him through our storms and trials. He is there when we need him. God always shows up. But that's all that it is to us sometimes. We think of him showing up but He never went anywhere. Instead He is there, waiting for us to pull the cloth aside so he can say "peek-a-boo." We act like He doesn't exist when we can't observe Him working in our lives. We forget that he exists when we can't observe Him.
But that's completely wrong. Whether we're hiding behind the cloth ourselves or we feel like he's hiding behind a cloth, He's still right there. Sometimes waiting for us to seek Him. Sometimes whispering and quietly working in our lives. Sometimes shouting to get our attention. But he's there.
I need to have spiritual object permanence. It's easy to come to God in trials. It's harder in good times. It's easy to praise Him in good times. It's harder to continue depending on Him during good times.
I love getting little spiritual glimpses through things like a simple game of peek-a-boo. What a gift.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
First Heartbreak
I feel like the older I get the more I'm reflecting on random parts of my life. I've been thinking about middle school a lot. I had a really good experience. I was at a small school with people I had grown up with. We were sheltered enough that we had retained our innocence (and stories we heard appalled us).
It's amazing to me that that was literally half a lifetime ago. Today I was drinking my coffee and looking at my Timehop app and saw that Monster's Inc. came out 13 years ago. And then I remembered: Yesterday marked the day that I got my first broken heart, half a lifetime ago.
It wasn't my first boyfriend. I had ended my first "relationship" and broke his heart. But this was the boy next door. A boy I had grown up with. He was 2 years older. We walked to the movies with our siblings and held hands. He burned CDs for me of bands that he liked (mainly A Newfound Glory and Blink 182). We watched movies in the garage with our siblings. I rode on the back of his BMX bike. We hugged. We played Sardines at night in the neighborhood. We wrote notes and handed them off to each other. It was cute. It was so innocent. It lasted for a summer and then was abruptly over. I got dumped by his sister. I found out he hadn't like me for a couple weeks and his whole family had known. I felt humiliated. I was broken. He didn't want to be friends. He said we only hung out because we liked each other. And that was that. We all pretty much stopped hanging out. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again.
It took me 2 years to move on. And I have no idea why. I have analyzed what it was about that relationship and the best answer I can come up was that it was just because it was the first heartbreak. And things like that can scar you. I hadn't loved him. I didn't even really know him. We didn't really have a friendship. He was right in that we only hung out because we liked each other. And he was right in ending it. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I was just a hopeless romantic that finally had a guy interested (I was never a pretty girl in my classes), and the rejection hurt. Maybe the fairy tale, Cory and Topanga, boy-next-door story was shaped what I thought relationships should look like.
That experience shaped me though. I became the heartbreaker. I didn't let anyone get close. I ended relationships after a few months. My longest relationship before Doug was 4 months. A big part of that was because I'd figure out that I didn't want to be with the guy a lot faster. So why waste my time? Why get invested and open my heart up to be broken again when I knew it wasn't going anywhere? (Something I knew and ignored with the boy next door). In some ways I'm glad I did this, because most of the guys in high school weren't worth the investment.
A lot of experiences in my life have caused me to try to protect myself. To put up walls and not be vulnerable, because I only saw vulnerability as an opportunity to be hurt. This was one of the first experiences to contribute, but not the most profound. But living that way is so pointless. Yes, there are situations and people to protect yourself from. But to limit your vulnerability, to limit your capacity for pain, is to limit your capacity for joy. And if I want to live my life with joy, I need to be able to be vulnerable. Not letting people in because they might hurt you will keep people out of your life that could lift you up and be a lifelong friend. We learn from pain and joy. Embrace life. Don't cower.
My heart mended and I moved on. It was cracked and broken again a couple times over the years but that's because I was able to open my heart to others. And Doug got to keep my heart. And I his. Both have scars but they're what makes us uniquely us. Without those scars I wouldn't be who I am today. So I can look back with a smile on that first sweet, simple, puppy-love relationship. And be thankful for how it contributed to my future relationships.
It'll be fun in 26 years when I can reminisce about this time in my life, and how much will have happened in the next half of my lifetime.
It's amazing to me that that was literally half a lifetime ago. Today I was drinking my coffee and looking at my Timehop app and saw that Monster's Inc. came out 13 years ago. And then I remembered: Yesterday marked the day that I got my first broken heart, half a lifetime ago.
It wasn't my first boyfriend. I had ended my first "relationship" and broke his heart. But this was the boy next door. A boy I had grown up with. He was 2 years older. We walked to the movies with our siblings and held hands. He burned CDs for me of bands that he liked (mainly A Newfound Glory and Blink 182). We watched movies in the garage with our siblings. I rode on the back of his BMX bike. We hugged. We played Sardines at night in the neighborhood. We wrote notes and handed them off to each other. It was cute. It was so innocent. It lasted for a summer and then was abruptly over. I got dumped by his sister. I found out he hadn't like me for a couple weeks and his whole family had known. I felt humiliated. I was broken. He didn't want to be friends. He said we only hung out because we liked each other. And that was that. We all pretty much stopped hanging out. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again.
It took me 2 years to move on. And I have no idea why. I have analyzed what it was about that relationship and the best answer I can come up was that it was just because it was the first heartbreak. And things like that can scar you. I hadn't loved him. I didn't even really know him. We didn't really have a friendship. He was right in that we only hung out because we liked each other. And he was right in ending it. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I was just a hopeless romantic that finally had a guy interested (I was never a pretty girl in my classes), and the rejection hurt. Maybe the fairy tale, Cory and Topanga, boy-next-door story was shaped what I thought relationships should look like.
That experience shaped me though. I became the heartbreaker. I didn't let anyone get close. I ended relationships after a few months. My longest relationship before Doug was 4 months. A big part of that was because I'd figure out that I didn't want to be with the guy a lot faster. So why waste my time? Why get invested and open my heart up to be broken again when I knew it wasn't going anywhere? (Something I knew and ignored with the boy next door). In some ways I'm glad I did this, because most of the guys in high school weren't worth the investment.
A lot of experiences in my life have caused me to try to protect myself. To put up walls and not be vulnerable, because I only saw vulnerability as an opportunity to be hurt. This was one of the first experiences to contribute, but not the most profound. But living that way is so pointless. Yes, there are situations and people to protect yourself from. But to limit your vulnerability, to limit your capacity for pain, is to limit your capacity for joy. And if I want to live my life with joy, I need to be able to be vulnerable. Not letting people in because they might hurt you will keep people out of your life that could lift you up and be a lifelong friend. We learn from pain and joy. Embrace life. Don't cower.
My heart mended and I moved on. It was cracked and broken again a couple times over the years but that's because I was able to open my heart to others. And Doug got to keep my heart. And I his. Both have scars but they're what makes us uniquely us. Without those scars I wouldn't be who I am today. So I can look back with a smile on that first sweet, simple, puppy-love relationship. And be thankful for how it contributed to my future relationships.
It'll be fun in 26 years when I can reminisce about this time in my life, and how much will have happened in the next half of my lifetime.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Babies and Pumpkins
I know that putting babies in pumpkins has gotten a little overrated the past couple of years. A bit "basic." And then there are all of the failed posts of the crying baby or the baby freaking out. I never thought much of them. But then I had a baby. And I figure he's only small enough to put in a pumpkin once. So people may roll their eyes at people putting babies in pumpkins...
But look how cute he is!
This was the closest we got to a smile. He never really fussed, he just kept looking around him. I think he was enjoying being outside. We tried singing songs, making noises, making faces, everything to get a good grin, but he was just sitting contently in the pumpkin.
Then he figured out he could reach the corn and had a blast playing with that!
He didn't hate the pumpkin at all. Although he did not like getting out of it. He got a little stuck haha.
It's a bit of a relief to be able to do things that make it seem like fall. With how busy we are and how much time and energy Coen demands from us I wasn't expecting much from this holiday season. But today we went to the grocery store to pick out pumpkins ($5 at Ralphs!), and I seeded and cleaned out both pumpkins during one of his naps. During his morning nap Doug and I watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and tonight we're going to roast seeds, watch "Hocus Pocus" and make kettle corn (assuming bed time goes smoothly). We're getting to enjoy our fall and that makes me really happy.
Coen's new napping schedule also makes me really happy. I had heard about the "90 Minute Sleep Program Book" which basically states that your baby doesn't sleep well because he's overtired. It suggests following the natural rhythm of tiredness which occurs 90 minutes after your baby has woken up. So the past 2 weeks I've tried my best to put him down 90 minutes after he last woke up (some days were harder than others because of appointments and activities). And it's actually working really well. The last couple of days he's gone down for a nap without a peep. And it's not sleep training. I'm not letting him cry it out or anything like that. I just swaddle him up and put him in his swing and he goes to sleep within minutes. If he fusses I stay with him until he drift off (less than 5 minutes each time). It has been glorious and I hope that he keeps it up. Some naps are still only 45 minutes long but that's ok. Most days he takes at least an hour and a half nap (yes!). And it's amazing what I can do with that time!
Coen's new napping schedule also makes me really happy. I had heard about the "90 Minute Sleep Program Book" which basically states that your baby doesn't sleep well because he's overtired. It suggests following the natural rhythm of tiredness which occurs 90 minutes after your baby has woken up. So the past 2 weeks I've tried my best to put him down 90 minutes after he last woke up (some days were harder than others because of appointments and activities). And it's actually working really well. The last couple of days he's gone down for a nap without a peep. And it's not sleep training. I'm not letting him cry it out or anything like that. I just swaddle him up and put him in his swing and he goes to sleep within minutes. If he fusses I stay with him until he drift off (less than 5 minutes each time). It has been glorious and I hope that he keeps it up. Some naps are still only 45 minutes long but that's ok. Most days he takes at least an hour and a half nap (yes!). And it's amazing what I can do with that time!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Almost 5 months
When Coen was three months old everyone kept telling us, "I can't believe he's already three months old! That went fast!" I could believe it. It didn't go fast for me. I felt every one of those long days and nights. But the past two months have really gone by fast. And I know it's only going to keep going faster. I keep looking forward to the future and I have to remind myself to cherish this time now. Today I was telling Doug that this is such a short time and I'm not always going to just be able to relax on the couch and nurse a baby without anything else to do. Because when baby #2 eventually gets here, I'll have Coen to take care of and to play with. So I really want to hold onto this special time with my babe.
Coen is definitely unpredictable. I wonder if that is going to always be a word that I use to describe him. Just when you think you have him figured out, he changes it on you. For a while he was sleeping great in a transition suit to help him break the swaddle. After three weeks he decided that he was done using it and is now being swaddled again. For almost a month and a half he slept really well in the crib at night. Now he's back in the swing. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back, and sometimes it feels like one step forward, five step backwards!
With that, I'm really trying not to have any expectations. I try to do so much research and reading for what my baby "needs" or "should be doing." I do find useful information or tricks for my mama tool box, but I feel like I always walk away deciding that I just need to let things be and not stress about them. I still have a hard time not evaluating how good of a day it was based on whether Coen was a content baby that went along with whatever I wanted to do. That he didn't have a break down in Target. That he didn't fight being put down for a nap. That he let me sit him in his jumperoo while I made a meal. And I don't want to be like that. He's this little person that has a personality and a will. And his will is definitely not going to always agree with mine. There will be times where that is perfectly fine. I get to have a relationship with him, but not if I'm always trying to set the terms of that relationship.
Coen is really becoming so much fun to hang out with. For a long time there all he could do was lay there and stare at you. I always talked and sang to him, but now he responds. He smiles real big at you. He loves touching faces and sometimes he isn't as gentle as he should be. He loves nuzzling into shoulders. He loves laying on his back and doing the "happy baby" yoga pose. He loves swimming and will just lay very still on his back (he could float if his head wasn't so heavy. He also likes doing happy baby in the pool). He is just starting to laugh but is a pretty serious kid. He can sit on his own, but not for very long, and kinda sits like a monkey propped up on his arms. He still loves being read to and is starting to grab the books and eat them. He is very interested in coffee mugs, which worries me for when he gets really good at grabbing stuff. He likes car rides now and most of the time will sit contently in the back even when he doesn't fall asleep. I'll put him on his tummy for tummy time and put a toy maybe a foot away from him. He's figured out how to pull the blanket to get the toy to him. His eyes sparkle and light up and he engages so well with people. He's so much fun to be around.
Lately he hasn't wanted to be rocked to sleep. And that breaks my mama heart. He'll be tired but if you try to rock him he arches his back and squawks/screeches. But if you lay him in his crib or swing he'll fuss for maybe 20 seconds and then be asleep. I knew I wouldn't get to rock him to sleep forever, and that he should learn to fall asleep on his own, but I wasn't ready. Tonight though he was ready for bed and I swaddled him up and he fussed a bit like usual. I picked him up and he was real still in my arms. I couldn't believe that he wasn't making a peep or squirming at all so I just held him and swayed with him. I knew he was asleep and I could put him down but I didn't want to. So I held onto him a little longer before finally putting him down, drinking in every minute. (Next week I'll complain that he wont go to sleep without being rocked haha)
He also really watches us when we eat. I'm excited to let him play with food and see what he thinks when he puts them in his mouth. Which foods he will like and which he'll have no interest in.
There's so much more to learn about this kid and I'm so excited for the adventure.
Coen is definitely unpredictable. I wonder if that is going to always be a word that I use to describe him. Just when you think you have him figured out, he changes it on you. For a while he was sleeping great in a transition suit to help him break the swaddle. After three weeks he decided that he was done using it and is now being swaddled again. For almost a month and a half he slept really well in the crib at night. Now he's back in the swing. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back, and sometimes it feels like one step forward, five step backwards!
With that, I'm really trying not to have any expectations. I try to do so much research and reading for what my baby "needs" or "should be doing." I do find useful information or tricks for my mama tool box, but I feel like I always walk away deciding that I just need to let things be and not stress about them. I still have a hard time not evaluating how good of a day it was based on whether Coen was a content baby that went along with whatever I wanted to do. That he didn't have a break down in Target. That he didn't fight being put down for a nap. That he let me sit him in his jumperoo while I made a meal. And I don't want to be like that. He's this little person that has a personality and a will. And his will is definitely not going to always agree with mine. There will be times where that is perfectly fine. I get to have a relationship with him, but not if I'm always trying to set the terms of that relationship.
Coen is really becoming so much fun to hang out with. For a long time there all he could do was lay there and stare at you. I always talked and sang to him, but now he responds. He smiles real big at you. He loves touching faces and sometimes he isn't as gentle as he should be. He loves nuzzling into shoulders. He loves laying on his back and doing the "happy baby" yoga pose. He loves swimming and will just lay very still on his back (he could float if his head wasn't so heavy. He also likes doing happy baby in the pool). He is just starting to laugh but is a pretty serious kid. He can sit on his own, but not for very long, and kinda sits like a monkey propped up on his arms. He still loves being read to and is starting to grab the books and eat them. He is very interested in coffee mugs, which worries me for when he gets really good at grabbing stuff. He likes car rides now and most of the time will sit contently in the back even when he doesn't fall asleep. I'll put him on his tummy for tummy time and put a toy maybe a foot away from him. He's figured out how to pull the blanket to get the toy to him. His eyes sparkle and light up and he engages so well with people. He's so much fun to be around.
Lately he hasn't wanted to be rocked to sleep. And that breaks my mama heart. He'll be tired but if you try to rock him he arches his back and squawks/screeches. But if you lay him in his crib or swing he'll fuss for maybe 20 seconds and then be asleep. I knew I wouldn't get to rock him to sleep forever, and that he should learn to fall asleep on his own, but I wasn't ready. Tonight though he was ready for bed and I swaddled him up and he fussed a bit like usual. I picked him up and he was real still in my arms. I couldn't believe that he wasn't making a peep or squirming at all so I just held him and swayed with him. I knew he was asleep and I could put him down but I didn't want to. So I held onto him a little longer before finally putting him down, drinking in every minute. (Next week I'll complain that he wont go to sleep without being rocked haha)
He also really watches us when we eat. I'm excited to let him play with food and see what he thinks when he puts them in his mouth. Which foods he will like and which he'll have no interest in.
There's so much more to learn about this kid and I'm so excited for the adventure.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tonight as I was getting Coen ready for bed I realized that a year ago I was pregnant...and had no idea. Little Coen was in my tummy and I was completely oblivious. Yet God already knew him inside and out. He already knew the number of days and the number of breaths my sweet boy will take. He knew Coen's personality. He knew my little one inside and out completely, and I didn't even know that he existed. I serve a big God with big plans, and I can't wait for what's to come.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Honest
I’ve been thinking about social media the past couple of months and how it is often criticized for not giving an honest picture of our lives. We get to choose how our lives are portrayed and what people see. We all have those people on our newsfeed that are seem to have the perfect lives. All of their posts are about their adventures, their thoughtful significant others, their perfect jobs. And often they’re the ones posting the nauseating quotes splayed over nature photos (usually only nauseating because the perfect person posted it). And then you have the people whose timeline only has all their drama and every bad thing that ever happened to them whether it's being stuck in the traffic jam in LA to Starbucks getting their order wrong. All they do is complain. I didn’t want to be a complainer. I wanted to see my life in a positive light. So I tried to post positive statuses. I didn’t want to air dirty laundry on the internet. I didn’t want to portray people unfairly. But I wasn’t trying to pretend my life was perfect either. In fact, I feel like most of my blog the past 4 months has been a lot of complaining.
In my MOPS group, we’re talking about honesty. How honesty is needed in relationships to really go deep. How honesty, even when it’s hard, is what makes our friendships real.
In my MOPS group, we’re talking about honesty. How honesty is needed in relationships to really go deep. How honesty, even when it’s hard, is what makes our friendships real.
I’m wanting to be honest. Honestly is a tricky thing. I feel that sometimes I can’t be honest because it doesn’t feel fair. Feelings are real and should be validated. But it doesn’t make the feeling right. It’s okay to feel a certain way even if it isn’t right.
For example, some nights I feel like I do everything around the house. I took care of the baby all day. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I did three loads of laundry. I made the bed. I made dinner. My honest feeling is one of despair and loneliness. It’s a feeling of being the one to do everything and not having any help.
But it isn’t correct. Because didn’t Doug watch Coen so that I could go running? Didn’t Doug get up at 6:30 in the morning to put Coen back to sleep? Wasn’t he the last one to vacuum the entire house? Didn’t he make the bed yesterday? Didn’t he spend all day at work to provide the mortgage payment and money for groceries? Isn’t he working hard and taking on extra projects so that you can stay at home like you’ve always wanted?
So sometimes I feel like I can’t be honest, because it isn’t fair.
A lot of the moms seem to have trouble asking for what they need. There’s this perception that we have as moms to be seen as superwoman. We can be up past midnight and up before six, clean up spit up off the carpet, the baby, and ourselves, work out, clean the house, and still show up to a play date with perfectly curled hair and make up. Piece of cake. I was talking to one mom and I mentioned how hard motherhood is and she said, “Yeah, we don’t like mentioning that part to new moms cause we don’t want to scare them.” What the heck? I mean, I knew that it would be hard. But I was naive as to how hard. But maybe you can’t describe it. And you can’t prepare for it. I don’t want to sit down my currently pregnant friends and gush about how hard and wrenching the next stage of their life is going to be. But shouldn’t we be honest with these women? Be honest and then be there to help them through it. Maybe I wouldn’t have been hit so hard if I could have at least tried to mentally prepare myself for motherhood. (I’m trying to decide if I have postpartum depression or normal ups and downs of a changing lifestyle).
Because I hate how I feel some days. I’ll wonder why I ever wanted to be a mom. Why would I trade in my old life for this? When will the joy of being a parent appear? And then I feel so guilty for feeling that way. That I’m wrong for feeling that way. What mother doesn’t want her child?
I feel like I have to be strong because no one else will be. How much help is okay to ask for? As much as I’m needing? I don’t even know what that point is. Where does the line between how much I’m needing and how much I’m wanting end? Because some days how much help I’m wanting would be to leave in the morning and come back after Coen has gone to sleep at night (but oh how much I would miss him!).
So I have some things to think about. Honesty needs to start with myself. I need to be honest with how much I can handle (it may be more than I think), what I’m needing, and to be honest about the reality of a situation. Is honesty determined by our feelings and perceptions or about what actually is?
I wanted to be a positive person, but did I lose my honesty in pursuing that?
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