I know that my worth is in Christ and what he did for me. I know that I'm not worthy of his grace and mercy, but he made me worthy by choosing to die for me. That is where my worth is. God loves me, chose me, saved me, and wants a relationship with me. Bottom line.
But how does that work with the world that I'm living in? In a world where a woman is almost expected to keep up with a man. If you can't play with the big boys, don't bother trying out. Women are expected to do the same as a man does. And if anything, we have to work harder to get less (the whole glass escalator/ceiling analogy). We have to work hard to be taken seriously, to get respect, and to be worthy.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't some feminist rant. My views are far from feminism. In fact, I blame the feminists for giving women this burden to carry. I am in awe of women who are able to work 40 hour weeks, raise their children, and take care of their households. I don't know how they do that. I don't know if the family unit suffers because of it, but they do the best they can. I feel like I have barely enough time to take care of our little apartment with no kids and working part time.
I do not believe that a woman shouldn't be able to work. Power to those that want to. Women are amazing workers with different passions. I'm having a hard time because I feel like I'm not worth anything in this world. Not that I need to find worth here for my citizenship is in Heaven, it just makes it difficult.
It's difficult to talk to people about your career when you don't have much of one. When you don't have a passion for a career. Some people get it. And some don't. And look at you like you're crazy. Or worse, like you're lazy. I'm not lazy. When I want something. I work for it. I work hard. When I put my mind to something, it gets done. But when people hear that I'm not working towards a career, that I don't want to be a lawyer, a psychologist, a manager, an executive, they make me feel like there's something wrong with me.
And with me wanting to be a homemaker and stay at home mom, I don't foresee this feeling changing in the next twenty years.
I like my life now. I like that I have a job with various hours. I like being able to have time to do laundry, clean the apartment, cook dinners. Time to take a yoga class, a Bible study. Time to volunteer at our church's youth group twice a week and to help lead a book discussion. I like having one night to spend with our friends and an afternoon with my parents every week. I'm okay with not having a full time job, but the world is sending me a different message, and has been since I was little.
Even more amazing with me being okay with who I am is that I married a man who loves who I am. He is proud of me no matter what I do and supports me in everything I do. He finds me worthy and always will. I have been blessed with an incredible man.
I have a job interview on Tuesday. I'm not really stressed about it because my life isn't depending on it. I'm just seeing if there is a path here. If the answer is no, then so be it.
God loves me.
God knows what's best.
God is in control.
That's the bottom line.
(By the way, nothing ever came of the manager position at my current job. It hasn't come up again, which I'm okay with because I never really made a decision).
1 comment:
Add us to the list of people who love you just as you are (and always have) and are very proud of you!You are more precious than you can ever imagine! You are worth more to us than anything we have ever owned. That is why it was easy for us to leave our mountain-top home in Hawaii and why we are moving back to CA. God says, "A man who finds a good wife finds something precious." Doug is blessed! Why should you care what the world thinks? Hugs, Nana and Papa
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