Laughing at my humaness

A couple weeks ago we looked at an apartment and at first dismissed it because of the "no pet" policy. We want to be able to get a dog eventually, and don't want to have to move in order to do so. It was a nice place, and even had an ocean view. It was an older building, but many apartment buildings in Ventura are (especially those in our price range).

After talking and discussing about it, we decided that it wouldn't be fair to the dog to have it in an apartment anyway. Sure, it would force us to get some exercise by taking it for walks frequently, but even taking it out to use the bathroom would become very annoying very quick. So we called to make sure that the apartment was still available and then mailed in our application.

We've been praying about a new place ever since we left for Europe. I keep telling God that he knows exactly where he wants us to be and he's already chosen our future home. I keep praying for him to guide us to where he wants us to be, and then found peace in knowing that he has it taken care of. I kinda felt like our change of heart about the apartment was a slight nudge.

Today we found out that we didn't get the apartment that we had applied for. Apparently they leased it out the same day that they received our application.

I was really bummed at first and then was reminded that since it didn't work out, that's not the place that God is wanting us to be. I had to laugh at my childish reply of "But I wanted THAT one!" Haha oh man. Typical human to hand over control to the maker of the universe and then pout and try to snatch it back when it doesn't go the way we expect.

So we started calling other places to set up appointments. We have one for either Saturday or Sunday (depending on the landlord's availability once Doug is off work). This one is also an ocean view, and it has a fire place in the apartment and a pool in the complex. I feel like God is reassuring us that he's in control. Even if we don't get this one either, He's already shown me that he's going to take care of us and knows what we really want (a fire place would be awesome, so it's already one-upped the place that we didn't get).

This is just to say that God is God, I am not, and I need to keep trusting him to provide for us. Ah, the pathetic-ness of being human :)

the furious longing of God

A while ago our pastor read an excerpt from Brennan Manning's "the furious longing of God." It's the same author as "The Ragamuffin Gospel." I had read that book in Joshua, so I was interested in this one, especially since I liked the excerpt even though I don't remember what it was about.

I' been wanting to read it for a while, but it was rather expensive so I never got around to it. I finally bought it this week though (not paying rent made it less expensive). It's just a little thing. Last weekend when Doug was out of town I couldn't sleep so I started reading. I got to page 100 before I was tired enough to go to bed (like I said, it's small so it's not as impressive as it sounds).

Overall I liked it. It was completely different than what I thought it was going to be. I always misunderstood the title as "the furious longing FOR God," thinking that it would be from our side and how humanity craves a God. But nope, it's about God's longing for us.

It wasn't as good as "The Ragamuffin Gospel," which I plan to read again once we unpack and I find it. But I thought that I'd post some of the quotes that really stuck out to me. The kind that made me actually underline it in the book (gasp!):

"The men and women who are truly filled with light are those have gazed deeply into the darkness of heir own imperfect existence."

"The foundation of the furious longing of God is the Father who is the originating Lover, the Son who is the full self-expression of that Love, and the Spirit who is the original an inexhaustible activity of that Love, drawing the created universe into itself."

"Jesus, the incarnation of the furious longing of God, wants more than a close relationship with you and me; He seeks nothing less than union."

Edited: As I was in the shower, I was thinking about the book again and remembered a quote that I had forgotten about, and apparently missed while I was flipping through my book. It was a quote of St. Augustine, and for me it's powerful:

Quia amasti me, fecisti me amabilem.

(In loving me, you made me lovable.)

I couldn't even sit through the movie...

Last night at youth group some of us were talking about movies and someone was commenting on a movie that I haven't seen, but I read the book. When I stated that I had read the book, a student said, "Why? I thought that the movie was too long, how did you sit through the book?"

And it's not a bad book or anything. I told her that I read a lot. She didn't seem to understand that. It made me laugh. I've read eleven books since finishing college, and am in the middle of two right now. I dunno. I've always love to read and never stopped loving to read. I hope I always make time to read!

September 11th

It is crazy that today was the 10 year anniversary for the terrorist attacks of September 11th. It's crazy because I can remember it, and it doesn't seem like it was 10 years ago. And it's crazy because I realize that many of the students that we work with probably don't remember it at all. Or remember it affecting their parents more and not really understanding what was happening.

I was 13 and I didn't really know what was happening.

I remember getting ready for school like normal. My family doesn't watch the news in the morning, or any tv for that matter. My mom had gone on a staff planning retreat for the day anyways, and I don't remember seeing my dad or sister that morning. My Nana was driving me to school that day.

I remember turning on the radio like I normally did while I got ready. I didn't understand why it was talk radio when it was a music station. I didn't understand why they weren't playing music, and didn't really listen to what they were saying (I have no clue what was said actually) I just was annoyed that there wasn't any music.

My Nana picked me up and told me what had happened and I started putting together what had happened with the radio and how they had been reporting the plane crashes. I remember we listened to the radio on the way to school, and I remember that something major happened when we were in the car. It might have been the second plane hitting, or it could have been the first tower crumbling. I don't remember.

At school I know that we talked about it, but it wasn't that big of a deal. The teachers were probably trying not to alarm us. It wasn't ignored, but it wasn't highlighted all day.

Those are my memories of that day. I didn't watch all of the news coverage of what had happened until much later. I was able to escape many of the horrors of that day. But I still knew that everything had changed.

I remember talking with our neighbors about it. About the craziness of something big happening in our lifetimes. Something that we would remember and be able to tell our kids about. In history classes, I remember always calculating how old my parents would have been when events took place: the moon landing, Vietnam, the Berlin wall falling. Knowing that they had memories of these events, while we could only read about them in books. And now I had an event. My kids would realize that I had been 13 when it happened when they read about it in history books.

When I was 13 , the thought of war was exciting. Too often it seems that when we can't deal with something, we tend to romanticize it. In my mind, it would have been exciting to be around during WWII. I feel that that war has been the most romanticized. Probably because it was our biggest victory (next to the revolutionary war) in which we emerged stronger and relatively unscathed (geographically, of course). Growing up, I'd pretend I was living during war. I always wondered if there would be a war during my lifetime (I really just had to calculate how often we've had a war in our country's history and I would have realized that it was inevitable). But the idea of war didn't cause dread or fear in my 13 year old self.

Today I felt old. Having 10 years pass that quick will do it. I know that I'm not old. But today I felt my age. I was old enough to have memories of the event commemorated. And have ten years of memories between the time that it happened and now. I started and finished both high school and college in that time, spent a year in the mountains in that time, and got married in that time.

I don't believe in peace. Not that we shouldn't try to live in peace, but it's too optimistic for me. Only with Christ can there be peace on earth. I don't condone just going to war for the heck of it either. But sometimes I find the people who call for peace to be like the annoying people who get in the middle of a conflict and say, "Come on guys, let's just get along." Nothing is solved. Instead the conflict becomes clipped off before either side can really state their case. I'm not saying that war is the only solution either. But I don't think Hitler would have been stopped if there was no World War II. Europe might be Russia if there hadn't been a Cold War. And we would have tea time if there had been no Revolutionary War. There would be an American Confederation without the Civil War (not to mention slaves). All to say that sometimes war is necessary. But sometimes we can't see if it was necessary or not until we come out on the other side. We are quick to judge current times, but who knows, in 10 years time we may be saying that Al Queda and other terrorist organizations would not have been stopped without this war. And we may say that nothing was really gained. Only time will tell.

All I know is that God is in control. He loves us. And he knows what's best. Nothing else matters. We live in a mad world.

Home

We've been home for two weeks already and those two weeks have really flown by. We've been trying to get back in sync with our lives but that's taken a bit of time. Three days after we got back from Europe Doug drove up to Seattle for a work convention that was happening there. While he was gone Devonna and Reagan came and visited. We had a lot of fun sharing souvenirs, stories, and chocolate. We got to hang out with Reagan a lot. Doug came home a few days before they went home so he got to hang out with them too.

Reagan loves playing Monster with Doug. It started out as hide and seek and then turned into monster. At first it was a lot of jumping out and scaring him and then Reagan would run to one of us. Then when we got him to fight the monster off it turned into a battle between Doug and Reagan (two year old friendly of course). Reagan always got to win and rescue whoever Doug had kidnapped. At one point I picked Reagan up to run away like we had in the previous phase of the game but he yelled, "We have to go back and save my mommy!" So Reagan went back and saved Devonna.

At one point during the hide and seek portion Reagan and I were hiding under a blanket. Doug was trying to trick Reagan into coming out and started playing with one of Reagan's trucks. Doug said, "this is a pretty cool truck. I wonder if I know any kids who would like this truck." Reagan, who's sitting in my lap, whispers "Reagan." I started cracking up, which didn't help hide us (not that Doug couldn't tell where we were by the big lump in the floor with a blanket over it).

Of course the time flew by and we didn't get to do everything that we wanted to do. We did get Reagan a t-ball set though and he's really good at it.

Everyone that we see asks us how our trip was. I find it a really hard question to ask. Usually there isn't a lot of time to really talk about the trip, so I have to resort to summing it up in a word, which is usually "amazing" or "great." How do you sum up a trip like that when someone asks it as a passing question? I have no problem discussing the trip, telling stories, sharing experiences, but I usually let the other person lead with questions. I don't want to go on an hour long gush about how "great" my trip was. Plus, if you know me, that's not my style at all. But don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to talk about my trip. That's not it at all. In fact, some of the questions make me think about stuff that I hadn't before. Or remember stuff that wasn't right on the surface. It's just hard when a coworker is trying to make small talk. You can't make small talk out of something that "amazing." :)

Doug and I have been really busy with work and church. At first I was going to be working the entire weekend. I was kind of bummed about it, but figured that at least I would be getting holiday pay on Monday. Yesterday when I was at work, my manager was needing to fix my schedule because she had accidentally scheduled me for six days, when we can legally only be scheduled for five. One of my coworkers heard about how we were going to get holiday pay on Monday. She said, "I wish I was working tomorrow!" So I said, "You can have my shift!" And my manager let her have it. Yes! I was seriously so happy I think I had one of my best customer service days, even though I was in the fitting rooms, which is my least favorite position to be in.

This morning we slept in pretty late. My dad made french toast and bacon. Then my dad and Doug moved our bed from the garage to Devonna's room, so now we have a big more space, and a private bathroom. And we won't be in the middle of the house where you can hear everything (Nana and Papa, I can't believe you never complained about the noise we'd make playing board games after you guys went to bed!)

I finished reading the third book of the Hunger Games books. I liked them. They were better than Twilight in so many ways. But I already know that the movies are going to suck because they won't be able to correctly portray many of the scenes.

Doug and I hit the beach in the afternoon. It was the first time we've been able to hang out just us since we've been back. It was a relief. And a lady complimented my hat when we were at the corner liquor store getting lemonades and chips. Yes! For a little bit after we got back, it was strange to adjust to not always having Doug around. I told him how it was weird not literally living our lives together anymore. And that I felt like I kept forgetting stuff that I wanted to tell him that had happened throughout the day. And it was weird texting him again. Or texting anyone at all for that matter.

After the beach we drove around Ventura looking for places to rent. We're not quite ready to move out yet and still need to save up to do so, but it's good to know what's out there.

We came home and finished our clothes and essentials to our new room. Doug was nice enough to make our bed :)

We watched Tangled with my mom. I had only seen it once and had gotten it through Netflix. Such a good movie. Love it.

Tomorrow starts another busy week and another day in our lives. We're just trying to keep our priorities straight and not get lost in the busyness.