Taking a nap can be a catch 22 these days. Either it's amazing to take advantage of the time because it will be a long night or Coen will be having a hard time and I'll need my energy. Or it'll be a smooth day and then you can't sleep when you should be. Granted, it's not even 11, but he went down at 9:45, so I should be sleeping too. And I want to be. But at least I can be productive with my time.
Tomorrow Coen will be 2 months. In some ways it went by fast, but in other ways I have felt every day of those 2 months. Some of those days were so sweet and amazing that I wish I could relive them. And a couple of those days I'd like to forget. I'm very lucky that there are only a handful that were truly awful.
1. Just as I had said that 6 weeks is supposed to be when infants start getting easier, the timeline for that was 6-8 weeks. Well, when he turned 8 weeks old he decided to remind us that he doesn't follow the average baby. We had the worst night since we've had him. He woke up at 1:30 and cried through most of his feeding. An hour later Doug came and took over. At 4 Doug took Coen for a car ride to get him to go to sleep. It worked like a charm (Coen loves Doug's car), but we were both exhausted. Especially when he woke up at 7:30 or 8 to be fed again. And then the following day he was cranky all day. Lots of tears were shed by both of us.
2. Coen likes to keep us on our toes. Following our "worst night ever" was one of the best. He went down at 9:45 and then we didn't hear from him until 5:45. It was the second time he slept for 8 hours. And he slept a lot of the morning as well. Then that night he also slept for 8 hours. I was trying not to get my hopes up of this being a new schedule, but apparently I did because I was super bummed when he woke up at 1:30 last night. So who knows what tonight will look like.
3. After the "worst night ever" Doug was talking to one of his friends who has a little girl a month older than Coen. He remarked that with their little one, if they didn't have her in bed by 8:30, their whole night was shot. So we've been trying to use that as a guideline. Before I just put Coen to bed when he conked out. He always had a bedtime routine (bath, feeding, kiss, put down), but now I try to put him down for the first time by 8:30. He is never fully ready though and gets up a few times before going down for the night. As long as we don't have a repeat of that night, he can feed as often as he wants. I honestly have no idea what happened that night!
4. My mom and I went toy shopping last week and she bought us the book "Happiest baby on the block." It's all about how to calm a crying baby with the five Ss (swaddle, side/stomach, shh, swing, suck). It addresses the problem of colicky babies (which I am sooo glad Coen doesn't have that) but the techniques can be used by anyone. It cracked me up though cause I was trying to decide if it was coincidence that Coen was suddenly so fussy or if it was just a stage in his development (apparently babies have their fussy peak at 6-8 weeks). I feel like I'm glad I know the techniques, but I use them in different ways, not exactly as the book says. Again, it's nice to have a bad of tricks and then personalize it for him. He's not a cookie cutter baby. And I'm so thankful for that.
5. Coen has really started smiling and responding to Doug and me. And that. is. amazing. He is so happy first thing in the morning and loves being talked to. We've also started having more play time. Today I laid out a blanket and we laid down and he had his wrist and sock rattles on and I had one of his colorful toys out that he would track with his eyes. And then I read a chapter of Winnie the Pooh to him. It was such a special time.
6. It's a very American thing to want to put a baby on the adult's schedule. And I have definitely found myself looking back on a day and deciding it was a "good day" if I was able to get what I wanted done. If he slept through my errands so that I got to every store I needed to it was "good." If I had to cut the errands short it was not so good. If I had the energy to clean up around the house or do something in the kitchen then it was "good." But if I didn't even brush my teeth until going to bed the next night or change my clothes then it wasn't good. But I have been trying to change my attitude about that. Because some of the best days are when things didn't get done. Those days that I was parked on the couch nursing around the clock were heaven. And it was all based on what he was needing and his schedule. Nursing is a life style. And definitely at this age it's ok to base your life around their schedule. Of course there are times that they need to be flexible for you or that they'll have to adhere to your schedule, but in general I'm ok with taking his lead.
7. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm no longer anemic and I'm getting energy back. Today I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, nursed and cuddled for a lot of the day, played and then when Coen napped I was able to clean the house except for the bathroom and stairs. Then we went to church, did a Target run, and came home to dinner. He went to bed and Doug and I watched some Breaking Bad (we're so close to finishing!) But that was a pretty big day for me. I want to start working out again but don't want to push it. The last thing I need is to be exhausted when caring for Coen.
8. It took me a little while before I bonded with Coen. Most women feel bonded to their babies right at birth, but I didn't really. Doug and I have had a few conversations and he was able to shed some light on it. During the pregnancy we were so scared that something would go wrong so I probably subconsciously detached myself to protect my heart. I wish I hadn't done that. Sometimes protecting ourselves also robs us of potential joy. Another part of it is that the birth was such a difficult one. And healing took forever. And it wasn't that I blamed him or anything, it's just that it took a lot out of me. It's hard to properly care for someone when you feel like you got hit by a bus for a few weeks. I felt guilty for not being immediately bonded. Like something was wrong with me. I always thought I'd cry when he was born. But it was all so surreal. I've definitely bonded since then and still have bonding moments throughout the days. I didn't cry when he was born, but I did cry when he first smiled at me.
9. Motherhood definitely shows us our faults. It shows me how selfish I can be. And it can be ugly. I am so thankful for tomorrows. On days where I've lost it or I'm ashamed of my reactions, I have the promise of tomorrow and of God's mercies being new. I'm never going to be a perfect mom and I'm not trying for perfection, but it'd be nice to avoid years of therapy. I'm constantly praying for strength and understanding. When I'm at my whit's end I remind myself that it's not my child, it's God's child that I've been entrusted with.
10. Coen loves swimming! He's gone in my parents pool quite a bit this last week and usually lasts 25-40 minutes. It helps that they heat it super warm so it's almost like a bath. He splashes a little bit (mainly on accident) and kicks around a lot. I hope that he loves the water as he grows up. Pools, baths, lakes, the ocean. I want him to be a little water baby!
I feel like I complain on here a lot. I'm not trying to complain but to give an honest picture. I don't want to sugar coat what this stage of my life looks like. It's hard. It's messy. It's worth it. I wouldn't trade it (most days). It's a journey. I can enjoy the good times because I've experienced the bad. I love my little family. That doesn't change.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Community
It's much easier waiting out Coen to see if he's going to go back to sleep than being roused from bed multiple times. So here I am again.
It seems that Coen hasn't reached that magical place of unicorns and rainbows that so many sites claim happens between 6-8 weeks. In fact, more sources point to this being the fussiest time for newborns, and that seems to be more true. Which just seems weird for him since he is such a good baby--and he still is. He just needs to be held and rocked more and doesn't nap well enough to be put down once he falls asleep. Luckily there are many arms who are eager to hold him. And it's how I was able to finish my 730 page book before I had to return it to the library.
My mom took me and Coen on a toy shopping spree since he didn't really have that many toys besides his gym that were age appropriate. While at Babies R Us she saw the book "Happiest Baby on the Block." I had heard it referenced on a couple different sites when I was looking up various things but hadn't thought much about it. She bought it for me though and just at the right time. It pretty much theorizes that for the first three months of life, babies just want to be back in the womb. They don't really interact with the world yet and are most at ease when we imitate the womb by swaddling, holding them on their side/stomach, swinging them, making shhing sounds, and letting them suck on something. It's his recipe for a calm baby, especially a colicky baby (Thank you God that Coen isn't colicky). But he has been fussy the last couple of days. Crying for apparently no reason, or not staying soothed for long. Usually I don't swaddle him during the day when he's just sleeping in my arms or somebody else's. But yesterday he needed to be swaddled in order to be at ease and go to sleep--twice. I'm only about half way through the book, but it's really helped so far. And we got it at the perfect time since it's only helpful the first three months.
It got me thinking about something that I've seen in the literature again and again: that parenthood isn't instinctual. That we're constantly wanting manuals on how to take care of a baby. And that seems so strange to me. In the wild animals have the instincts on how to best care for their young. They just do it. But for humans it isn't instinctual, even breastfeeding isn't instinctual for baby or mom. Baby has some instincts to help it breastfeed, but many still are needing to learn along with mom how to best do it. Maybe we do have these instincts but we don't trust ourselves enough to use them. Or we have instincts enough where our babies are going to live. It's not like if I didn't do any research I wouldn't have been able to care for Coen at all. But there are so many different theories on babies and how to care for them. It's not like we all instinctually know the "best way." And some theories, like letting a baby Cry It Out in the first three months, do feel wrong (because it is).
I was talking to my mom about this and she brought up the fact that it's probably because God meant for us to live in community. Unlike in the wild, we're not meant to do it alone. The older generations were meant to guide the younger generation and to help them out. The households were multigenerational so there was ample help with your child. And I'm sure that even within those households there were different ideas on the "best" way to calm a baby.
I'm really looking forward to getting plugged in with other young mothers. I need community for this period of time in my life. I have some Facebook friends who are in the same season and who can give advice, but none locally. None to hang out with or have play dates with. My church has a MOPS program so I'm looking forward to trying that in the fall. Something that I would not be able to do if I were working since they meet during the day.
I think he finally drifted off for good. Now it's my turn to try to go to sleep. I feel like I've had a touch of insomnia the past few days. Boo. Which makes me feel like this:
Here's to more sleep!
It seems that Coen hasn't reached that magical place of unicorns and rainbows that so many sites claim happens between 6-8 weeks. In fact, more sources point to this being the fussiest time for newborns, and that seems to be more true. Which just seems weird for him since he is such a good baby--and he still is. He just needs to be held and rocked more and doesn't nap well enough to be put down once he falls asleep. Luckily there are many arms who are eager to hold him. And it's how I was able to finish my 730 page book before I had to return it to the library.
My mom took me and Coen on a toy shopping spree since he didn't really have that many toys besides his gym that were age appropriate. While at Babies R Us she saw the book "Happiest Baby on the Block." I had heard it referenced on a couple different sites when I was looking up various things but hadn't thought much about it. She bought it for me though and just at the right time. It pretty much theorizes that for the first three months of life, babies just want to be back in the womb. They don't really interact with the world yet and are most at ease when we imitate the womb by swaddling, holding them on their side/stomach, swinging them, making shhing sounds, and letting them suck on something. It's his recipe for a calm baby, especially a colicky baby (Thank you God that Coen isn't colicky). But he has been fussy the last couple of days. Crying for apparently no reason, or not staying soothed for long. Usually I don't swaddle him during the day when he's just sleeping in my arms or somebody else's. But yesterday he needed to be swaddled in order to be at ease and go to sleep--twice. I'm only about half way through the book, but it's really helped so far. And we got it at the perfect time since it's only helpful the first three months.
It got me thinking about something that I've seen in the literature again and again: that parenthood isn't instinctual. That we're constantly wanting manuals on how to take care of a baby. And that seems so strange to me. In the wild animals have the instincts on how to best care for their young. They just do it. But for humans it isn't instinctual, even breastfeeding isn't instinctual for baby or mom. Baby has some instincts to help it breastfeed, but many still are needing to learn along with mom how to best do it. Maybe we do have these instincts but we don't trust ourselves enough to use them. Or we have instincts enough where our babies are going to live. It's not like if I didn't do any research I wouldn't have been able to care for Coen at all. But there are so many different theories on babies and how to care for them. It's not like we all instinctually know the "best way." And some theories, like letting a baby Cry It Out in the first three months, do feel wrong (because it is).
I was talking to my mom about this and she brought up the fact that it's probably because God meant for us to live in community. Unlike in the wild, we're not meant to do it alone. The older generations were meant to guide the younger generation and to help them out. The households were multigenerational so there was ample help with your child. And I'm sure that even within those households there were different ideas on the "best" way to calm a baby.
I'm really looking forward to getting plugged in with other young mothers. I need community for this period of time in my life. I have some Facebook friends who are in the same season and who can give advice, but none locally. None to hang out with or have play dates with. My church has a MOPS program so I'm looking forward to trying that in the fall. Something that I would not be able to do if I were working since they meet during the day.
I think he finally drifted off for good. Now it's my turn to try to go to sleep. I feel like I've had a touch of insomnia the past few days. Boo. Which makes me feel like this:
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Middle of the night ramblings
A hard thing about nursing in the middle of the night is that it's hard for me to go back to sleep after he's done. I think part of it is the fear that he's not down for good so I'll just be summoned from my bed right as I'm getting back to sleep. The other part is how could you not be completely woken up by nursing?
I realized tonight that I've seen 3 in the morning more in this season of life than any other time in my life. Most people probably see 3 in the morning during their college years while they're partying. The only time I ever saw it during college was when I was writing a paper at the last minute (which did happen quite often).
Coen will sometimes surprise me in a really good way. Being only 6 weeks old I don't expect a lot from him. I don't expect him to sleep through the night. I don't expect him to be able to put himself to sleep if left in his cosleeper. I don't expect him to nap for hours at a time in the day. Those things are what is expected of babies as they get older. We're about 2 months away from that. But a few times this week, including last night, he was pretty drowsy so I put him in his cosleeper, gave him a kiss goodnight, and shut the door. And he went to sleep. I didn't have to go back in once. Of course I was still up for another half hour waiting for the crying to start, but I was one proud mama. I still don't expect him to do it every time, but it's nice knowing that he's capable of it.
He's been going through a growth spurt the last couple of days and it seems like all he wants to do is nurse. He'll nurse about every hour and a half to 2 hours. And a lot of the time in between is spent sleeping. Some is spent in his gym but he'll fuss quicker than before either out of tiredness or hunger. So the last couple days we've been parked on the couch. Luckily I had gotten a book from the library. It's a new one so I only have it for 2 weeks...and it's over 700 pages long. Thanks to the growth spurt I'm already over 200 pages in. This is the most relaxed that I've gotten since he's been born: sitting on the couch holding a sleeping baby for 3 hours and reading a book. Pretty much how I would spend any other Saturday afternoon.
Bath time is still one of Coen's favorite times of day. And honestly it's one of mine too. Even if he's had a rough day, if he's not hungry at the time (and sometimes even then), he's always happy during bath time. He has his little seat that he sits in the bath and I use a big plastic cup to pour water on him. He sticks out his tongue to try to get the water when it splashes up his neck which is the cutest thing. He doesn't mind when I wash his hair and when we're done washing him up I'll support his head and let him float and kick in the water which he likes until he signals that he's done with bath time.
We went for a night walk two nights ago and it was Coen's first time outside at night. He was really content in his stroller until just at the end when he got hungry. Luckily we were 3 minutes from home so he didn't have to wait long. But other afternoons where we've gone for a walk he wasn't so content (last Tuesday I vowed to never go for a walk with him alone again). I'm wondering if he gets too hot in the afternoon, or is overstimulated and then just sitting in the stroller. Either way I'm looking forward to fall when it gets dark early so that it's much more doable to go for walks at night. Right now it interferes with bath and bed time, which I'm trying to keep pretty regular for him.
I fear I've become one of those parents that only posts about her kids. I don't remember the last Facebook status or Instagram photo that didn't involve Coen in some way. But there isn't much else to post when your child literally consumes your life (and I use consume in the best way). He is my life now. And when Doug and I are able to get some time to ourselves, the last thing I want to do is waste any of it creating a post about it. Besides, I think there's something healthy about just having a moment and not needing to inform the world about it.
I'd better try to go back to sleep before I have to wake up for the next feeding. Unfortunately the growth spurt feedings continue through the night (which is just mean after we were spoiled with a week of sleeping for 6 hours!)
I realized tonight that I've seen 3 in the morning more in this season of life than any other time in my life. Most people probably see 3 in the morning during their college years while they're partying. The only time I ever saw it during college was when I was writing a paper at the last minute (which did happen quite often).
Coen will sometimes surprise me in a really good way. Being only 6 weeks old I don't expect a lot from him. I don't expect him to sleep through the night. I don't expect him to be able to put himself to sleep if left in his cosleeper. I don't expect him to nap for hours at a time in the day. Those things are what is expected of babies as they get older. We're about 2 months away from that. But a few times this week, including last night, he was pretty drowsy so I put him in his cosleeper, gave him a kiss goodnight, and shut the door. And he went to sleep. I didn't have to go back in once. Of course I was still up for another half hour waiting for the crying to start, but I was one proud mama. I still don't expect him to do it every time, but it's nice knowing that he's capable of it.
He's been going through a growth spurt the last couple of days and it seems like all he wants to do is nurse. He'll nurse about every hour and a half to 2 hours. And a lot of the time in between is spent sleeping. Some is spent in his gym but he'll fuss quicker than before either out of tiredness or hunger. So the last couple days we've been parked on the couch. Luckily I had gotten a book from the library. It's a new one so I only have it for 2 weeks...and it's over 700 pages long. Thanks to the growth spurt I'm already over 200 pages in. This is the most relaxed that I've gotten since he's been born: sitting on the couch holding a sleeping baby for 3 hours and reading a book. Pretty much how I would spend any other Saturday afternoon.
Bath time is still one of Coen's favorite times of day. And honestly it's one of mine too. Even if he's had a rough day, if he's not hungry at the time (and sometimes even then), he's always happy during bath time. He has his little seat that he sits in the bath and I use a big plastic cup to pour water on him. He sticks out his tongue to try to get the water when it splashes up his neck which is the cutest thing. He doesn't mind when I wash his hair and when we're done washing him up I'll support his head and let him float and kick in the water which he likes until he signals that he's done with bath time.
We went for a night walk two nights ago and it was Coen's first time outside at night. He was really content in his stroller until just at the end when he got hungry. Luckily we were 3 minutes from home so he didn't have to wait long. But other afternoons where we've gone for a walk he wasn't so content (last Tuesday I vowed to never go for a walk with him alone again). I'm wondering if he gets too hot in the afternoon, or is overstimulated and then just sitting in the stroller. Either way I'm looking forward to fall when it gets dark early so that it's much more doable to go for walks at night. Right now it interferes with bath and bed time, which I'm trying to keep pretty regular for him.
I fear I've become one of those parents that only posts about her kids. I don't remember the last Facebook status or Instagram photo that didn't involve Coen in some way. But there isn't much else to post when your child literally consumes your life (and I use consume in the best way). He is my life now. And when Doug and I are able to get some time to ourselves, the last thing I want to do is waste any of it creating a post about it. Besides, I think there's something healthy about just having a moment and not needing to inform the world about it.
I'd better try to go back to sleep before I have to wake up for the next feeding. Unfortunately the growth spurt feedings continue through the night (which is just mean after we were spoiled with a week of sleeping for 6 hours!)
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
6 weeks
The first couple of weeks with Coen were really hard. It was such an adjustment having a newborn and figuring him out. Every where I read said that the first 6-8 weeks were the hardest. I looked forward to getting to 6 weeks so much. I hoped that there would be light at the end of the tunnel, especially on hard days and nights. Don't get me wrong, Coen is actually an easy baby. He pretty much only cries when he's hungry and over tired. He's easy to calm and such a cuddler. But putting someone else's needs above your own when it means that you only get 2 hours of sleep in a night or don't get a chance to eat until 2 in the afternoon is such a shift of lifestyle. I love Coen so much and would do anything for him, which is why it is tough on me when he has those rough days and I just want him to be satisfied.
So 6 weeks was supposed to be the goal for things to be better. Today he is 6 weeks old and had a really rough day. It felt like I had a final and I failed it.
Ever since I got pregnant I googled everything. Every little thing that came up or question I had I did research. The same happened when Coen was born. Constantly researching. And there's a lot of conflicting advice out there. Today I was searching (I don't even remember what my original question was), but I found an article that talked about babies' sleep patterns. It was saying that you don't want to rock your baby to sleep every night because they get too used to it and then will need it for months and months. I've always rocked Coen to sleep. I love having a sleeping babe in my arms. But what the article was saying made sense and I felt like I had made a mistake. So when he was showing signs of tiredness I tried just laying him down in his co-sleeper (which he finally spent the night in the past one and a half nights) and letting him go to sleep on his own. But of course he couldn't since he was used to being put to sleep before being put down. I kept trying though, thinking that when he was tired enough he would fall asleep. At one point I got him just drowsy enough and put him down and he did sleep for about 20 minutes but then was up again.
So I decided to go for a walk with him to Target, thinking that he would fall asleep in his stroller. But he didn't. He just screamed a lot. I had to stop on the way and rock him to sleep for 15 minutes on the sidewalk. Then we continued. He stayed asleep for about 20 minutes but woke up very upset when I was in Target. He was now hungry so I fed him (first time in public!) and when he was done I headed home. But he still wanted to be held and cried so hard that I ended up carrying him the rest of the way home. I can handle fussiness, but when he does this one cry, you can't ignore it. And I don't want to. Eventually I can let him cry it out, but he's too young for that right now.
So it was a hard day. I was exhausted and frustrated and my back hurt from carrying him. I had a break down and then ate ice cream and felt better. He did fall asleep for a bit when I was watching a movie, but is still overtired. I gave him his bath and now he is out.
I've decided that it's ok to research stuff, but ultimately I know my baby better than the internet and it's ok not to follow all of the advice. I give him a pacifier. I rock him to sleep. I let him sleep in a swing for 3 weeks. I took him in the pool before he was 2 months (or are they supposed to be 3?). I don't strap him in his seat for his walks. I let his arms be out in the swaddle. All of these things are what I've discovered works for my son. Not everyone would agree with these and some might scold me, but at the end of the day Doug and I are the parents. There may be consequences for some of these choices, but just as we figured out what works for Coen now, we'll figure it out then. I don't expect to be the perfect parent, not even close. I just pray that God shows me how to best love and raise this child, his child.
Oh, and he's been sleeping on me like this for the past half hour:
So 6 weeks was supposed to be the goal for things to be better. Today he is 6 weeks old and had a really rough day. It felt like I had a final and I failed it.
Ever since I got pregnant I googled everything. Every little thing that came up or question I had I did research. The same happened when Coen was born. Constantly researching. And there's a lot of conflicting advice out there. Today I was searching (I don't even remember what my original question was), but I found an article that talked about babies' sleep patterns. It was saying that you don't want to rock your baby to sleep every night because they get too used to it and then will need it for months and months. I've always rocked Coen to sleep. I love having a sleeping babe in my arms. But what the article was saying made sense and I felt like I had made a mistake. So when he was showing signs of tiredness I tried just laying him down in his co-sleeper (which he finally spent the night in the past one and a half nights) and letting him go to sleep on his own. But of course he couldn't since he was used to being put to sleep before being put down. I kept trying though, thinking that when he was tired enough he would fall asleep. At one point I got him just drowsy enough and put him down and he did sleep for about 20 minutes but then was up again.
So I decided to go for a walk with him to Target, thinking that he would fall asleep in his stroller. But he didn't. He just screamed a lot. I had to stop on the way and rock him to sleep for 15 minutes on the sidewalk. Then we continued. He stayed asleep for about 20 minutes but woke up very upset when I was in Target. He was now hungry so I fed him (first time in public!) and when he was done I headed home. But he still wanted to be held and cried so hard that I ended up carrying him the rest of the way home. I can handle fussiness, but when he does this one cry, you can't ignore it. And I don't want to. Eventually I can let him cry it out, but he's too young for that right now.
So it was a hard day. I was exhausted and frustrated and my back hurt from carrying him. I had a break down and then ate ice cream and felt better. He did fall asleep for a bit when I was watching a movie, but is still overtired. I gave him his bath and now he is out.
I've decided that it's ok to research stuff, but ultimately I know my baby better than the internet and it's ok not to follow all of the advice. I give him a pacifier. I rock him to sleep. I let him sleep in a swing for 3 weeks. I took him in the pool before he was 2 months (or are they supposed to be 3?). I don't strap him in his seat for his walks. I let his arms be out in the swaddle. All of these things are what I've discovered works for my son. Not everyone would agree with these and some might scold me, but at the end of the day Doug and I are the parents. There may be consequences for some of these choices, but just as we figured out what works for Coen now, we'll figure it out then. I don't expect to be the perfect parent, not even close. I just pray that God shows me how to best love and raise this child, his child.
Oh, and he's been sleeping on me like this for the past half hour:
And he's exactly where I want him.
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