2 months

Taking a nap can be a catch 22 these days. Either it's amazing to take advantage of the time because it will be a long night or Coen will be having a hard time and I'll need my energy. Or it'll be a smooth day and then you can't sleep when you should be. Granted, it's not even 11, but he went down at 9:45, so I should be sleeping too. And I want to be. But at least I can be productive with my time.

Tomorrow Coen will be 2 months. In some ways it went by fast, but in other ways I have felt every day of those 2 months. Some of those days were so sweet and amazing that I wish I could relive them. And a couple of those days I'd like to forget. I'm very lucky that there are only a handful that were truly awful.

1. Just as I had said that 6 weeks is supposed to be when infants start getting easier, the timeline for that was 6-8 weeks. Well, when he turned 8 weeks old he decided to remind us that he doesn't follow the average baby. We had the worst night since we've had him. He woke up at 1:30 and cried through most of his feeding. An hour later Doug came and took over. At 4 Doug took Coen for a car ride to get him to go to sleep. It worked like a charm (Coen loves Doug's car), but we were both exhausted. Especially when he woke up at 7:30 or 8 to be fed again. And then the following day he was cranky all day. Lots of tears were shed by both of us.

2. Coen likes to keep us on our toes. Following our "worst night ever" was one of the best. He went down at 9:45 and then we didn't hear from him until 5:45. It was the second time he slept for 8 hours. And he slept a lot of the morning as well. Then that night he also slept for 8 hours. I was trying not to get my hopes up of this being a new schedule, but apparently I did because I was super bummed when he woke up at 1:30 last night. So who knows what tonight will look like.

3. After the "worst night ever" Doug was talking to one of his friends who has a little girl a month older than Coen. He remarked that with their little one, if they didn't have her in bed by 8:30, their whole night was shot. So we've been trying to use that as a guideline. Before I just put Coen to bed when he conked out. He always had a bedtime routine (bath, feeding, kiss, put down), but now I try to put him down for the first time by 8:30. He is never fully ready though and gets up a few times before going down for the night. As long as we don't have a repeat of that night, he can feed as often as he wants. I honestly have no idea what happened that night!

4. My mom and I went toy shopping last week and she bought us the book "Happiest baby on the block." It's all about how to calm a crying baby with the five Ss (swaddle, side/stomach, shh, swing, suck). It addresses the problem of colicky babies (which I am sooo glad Coen doesn't have that) but the techniques can be used by anyone. It cracked me up though cause I was trying to decide if it was coincidence that Coen was suddenly so fussy or if it was just a stage in his development (apparently babies have their fussy peak at 6-8 weeks). I feel like I'm glad I know the techniques, but I use them in different ways, not exactly as the book says. Again, it's nice to have a bad of tricks and then personalize it for him. He's not a cookie cutter baby. And I'm so thankful for that.

5. Coen has really started smiling and responding to Doug and me. And that. is. amazing. He is so happy first thing in the morning and loves being talked to. We've also started having more play time. Today I laid out a blanket and we laid down and he had his wrist and sock rattles on and I had one of his colorful toys out that he would track with his eyes. And then I read a chapter of Winnie the Pooh to him. It was such a special time.

6. It's a very American thing to want to put a baby on the adult's schedule. And I have definitely found myself looking back on a day and deciding it was a "good day" if I was able to get what I wanted done. If he slept through my errands so that I got to every store I needed to it was "good." If I had to cut the errands short it was not so good. If I had the energy to clean up around the house or do something in the kitchen then it was "good." But if I didn't even brush my teeth until going to bed the next night or change my clothes then it wasn't good. But I have been trying to change my attitude about that. Because some of the best days are when things didn't get done. Those days that I was parked on the couch nursing around the clock were heaven. And it was all based on what he was needing and his schedule. Nursing is a life style. And definitely at this age it's ok to base your life around their schedule. Of course there are times that they need to be flexible for you or that they'll have to adhere to your schedule, but in general I'm ok with taking his lead.

7. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm no longer anemic and I'm getting energy back. Today I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, nursed and cuddled for a lot of the day, played and then when Coen napped I was able to clean the house except for the bathroom and stairs. Then we went to church, did a Target run, and came home to dinner. He went to bed and Doug and I watched some Breaking Bad (we're so close to finishing!) But that was a pretty big day for me. I want to start working out again but don't want to push it. The last thing I need is to be exhausted when caring for Coen.

8. It took me a little while before I bonded with Coen. Most women feel bonded to their babies right at birth, but I didn't really. Doug and I have had a few conversations and he was able to shed some light on it. During the pregnancy we were so scared that something would go wrong so I probably subconsciously detached myself to protect my heart. I wish I hadn't done that. Sometimes protecting ourselves also robs us of potential joy. Another part of it is that the birth was such a difficult one. And healing took forever. And it wasn't that I blamed him or anything, it's just that it took a lot out of me. It's hard to properly care for someone when you feel like you got hit by a bus for a few weeks. I felt guilty for not being immediately bonded. Like something was wrong with me. I always thought I'd cry when he was born. But it was all so surreal. I've definitely bonded since then and still have bonding moments throughout the days. I didn't cry when he was born, but I did cry when he first smiled at me.

9. Motherhood definitely shows us our faults. It shows me how selfish I can be. And it can be ugly. I am so thankful for tomorrows. On days where I've lost it or I'm ashamed of my reactions, I have the promise of tomorrow and of God's mercies being new. I'm never going to be a perfect mom and I'm not trying for perfection, but it'd be nice to avoid years of therapy. I'm constantly praying for strength and understanding. When I'm at my whit's end I remind myself that it's not my child, it's God's child that I've been entrusted with.

10. Coen loves swimming! He's gone in my parents pool quite a bit this last week and usually lasts 25-40 minutes. It helps that they heat it super warm so it's almost like a bath. He splashes a little bit (mainly on accident) and kicks around a lot. I hope that he loves the water as he grows up. Pools, baths, lakes, the ocean. I want him to be a little water baby!

I feel like I complain on here a lot. I'm not trying to complain but to give an honest picture. I don't want to sugar coat what this stage of my life looks like. It's hard. It's messy. It's worth it. I wouldn't trade it (most days). It's a journey. I can enjoy the good times because I've experienced the bad. I love my little family. That doesn't change.