6 weeks

The first couple of weeks with Coen were really hard. It was such an adjustment having a newborn and figuring him out. Every where I read said that the first 6-8 weeks were the hardest. I looked forward to getting to 6 weeks so much. I hoped that there would be light at the end of the tunnel, especially on hard days and nights. Don't get me wrong, Coen is actually an easy baby. He pretty much only cries when he's hungry and over tired. He's easy to calm and such a cuddler. But putting someone else's needs above your own when it means that you only get 2 hours of sleep in a night or don't get a chance to eat until 2 in the afternoon is such a shift of lifestyle. I love Coen so much and would do anything for him, which is why it is tough on me when he has those rough days and I just want him to be satisfied.

So 6 weeks was supposed to be the goal for things to be better. Today he is 6 weeks old and had a really rough day. It felt like I had a final and I failed it.

Ever since I got pregnant I googled everything. Every little thing that came up or question I had I did research. The same happened when Coen was born. Constantly researching. And there's a lot of conflicting advice out there. Today I was searching (I don't even remember what my original question was), but I found an article that talked about babies' sleep patterns. It was saying that you don't want to rock your baby to sleep every night because they get too used to it and then will need it for months and months. I've always rocked Coen to sleep. I love having a sleeping babe in my arms. But what the article was saying made sense and I felt like I had made a mistake. So when he was showing signs of tiredness I tried just laying him down in his co-sleeper (which he finally spent the night in the past one and a half nights) and letting him go to sleep on his own. But of course he couldn't since he was used to being put to sleep before being put down. I kept trying though, thinking that when he was tired enough he would fall asleep. At one point I got him just drowsy enough and put him down and he did sleep for about 20 minutes but then was up again.
So I decided to go for a walk with him to Target, thinking that he would fall asleep in his stroller. But he didn't. He just screamed a lot. I had to stop on the way and rock him to sleep for 15 minutes on the sidewalk. Then we continued. He stayed asleep for about 20 minutes but woke up very upset when I was in Target. He was now hungry so I fed him (first time in public!) and when he was done I headed home. But he still wanted to be held and cried so hard that I ended up carrying him the rest of the way home. I can handle fussiness, but when he does this one cry, you can't ignore it. And I don't want to. Eventually I can let him cry it out, but he's too young for that right now.

So it was a hard day. I was exhausted and frustrated and my back hurt from carrying him. I had a break down and then ate ice cream and felt better. He did fall asleep for a bit when I was watching a movie, but is still overtired. I gave him his bath and now he is out.

I've decided that it's ok to research stuff, but ultimately I know my baby better than the internet and it's ok not to follow all of the advice. I give him a pacifier. I rock him to sleep. I let him sleep in a swing for 3 weeks. I took him in the pool before he was 2 months (or are they supposed to be 3?). I don't strap him in his seat for his walks. I let his arms be out in the swaddle. All of these things are what I've discovered works for my son. Not everyone would agree with these and some might scold me, but at the end of the day Doug and I are the parents. There may be consequences for some of these choices, but just as we figured out what works for Coen now, we'll figure it out then. I don't expect to be the perfect parent, not even close. I just pray that God shows me how to best love and raise this child, his child.

Oh, and he's been sleeping on me like this for the past half hour:

And he's exactly where I want him.