Pain and Love

I have always been pro-vaccinating infants. I've done my research and I really do believe that the benefits outweigh the risks and the best thing that I can do for my child is to vaccinate them. But I still get anxious of the potential side effects. I feel like whatever issues may arise I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. Either Coen will have autism or a fatal reaction to the vaccine or he could catch the measles and die from that. No matter what choice you make, you could find yourself playing the "What if" game.

Coen had his first shots yesterday. I had wanted to put Coen on a vaccine schedule that was a little spaced out, but our pediatrician doesn't allow that. He actually said, "It's not that you're not allowed to do that, but you'll have to find another pediatrician if you want to do that." Right...so it's not allowed here. So we just did the vaccines on schedule. He did really well during them. He cried for maybe 10 seconds and was easily comforted. I fed him right after as well to provide comfort. I had a sugar coated pacifier ready to go for him, but I ended up not using it. We just gave him ibuprofen beforehand.

He was fine for a few hours after that and then was really really fussy. Nothing really comforted him. He usually loves the bath and was fine in it, but you could tell he was still really uncomfortable. He didn't even want to play in his gym because he didn't want to move his legs. We were still giving him ibuprofen. The only time he was at peace was when he was feeding and even then he didn't feed as long as normal. Doug tried to take him driving to calm him but that didn't work either. And then he finally conked out at 10. Luckily he slept for 8 hours and I was hoping that today he would just be really tired and resting as his body deals with the vaccinations. But he was still so uncomfortable and so fussy. He's got little bruises at the injection sites. We started giving him Tylenol and alternating ibuprofen.

I decided to take a bath with him. I had read about people doing that but was terrified that it would just go wrong. That either he'd be too cold being part way out of the water and just scream the whole time, or that I'd accidentally drop him in. Doug was home though so he was able to help get Coen in and out. And for once Coen seemed comforted. He fell asleep for a little bit in my arms. I got a real smile. He fed for a while and got the first full meal since the vaccines. The only bummer part was when he did this maneuver that he normally does where he'll turn his face towards my armpit and then quick back again) almost like a head nuzzle. Well, he stuck his face in the water and inhaled real fast instead. So he didn't like that! We stayed in the bath for about an hour and 20 minutes. We were both pruney. But he was content. For a little bit. He still wouldn't sleep for long in his swing and kept waking up. Doug was kind enough to take over while I went to Target for a few things. That was a nice break.

I always knew that having a child would give me some insight to my relationship with God. It was one of the things I was really excited about. And this was one of them. It is so hard to see your child in pain. It's heartbreaking really. I feel like I shed as many tears as Coen did. It's hard not being able to comfort them, to feel like they won't let you comfort them. Of course God is more than able to comfort me, but so often I look elsewhere. I look for it in food, friends, Doug, etc. when God is the ultimate comforter. It's hard having to put your child through pain even though you know it's for their benefit. And you can't explain that to them. Coen wouldn't understand if I had a conversation with him about why he has to have shots. It can be the same when we experience pain in our lives. We have no idea why we have to go through some of the stuff that we do, and only when we look back can we be thankful for that pain. I wonder how often God is going, "If only you could see the good that will come from this!" Romans 8:28 says that God works together for the good those who love him. I've often held onto that verse as I wait for the good to come. God works in our lives and it's for our good. He takes all of our crap and our pain and uses it to do amazing things. What an awesome God we serve.

I think I've shared this song already, but it's been one of my anthems for the past few months.

I fall in love with Coen more and more each day. I would do anything for him. I can't wait to see what God is going to do with his life.

Oh, and I'm still pro-vaccine. As hard as these days have been, I can't rob Coen of his health to spare us some pain. It just means more snuggles and more prayers.