The single life

I've been freaking out about this week for a while. Doug is at Hume with his youth group and I'm home alone with Coen. It's hard enough when Doug is out of town. I have a hard time going to sleep by myself. And not seeing him. And now I have an infant to care for. Originally we had thought Coen and I might be able to join Doug at Hume, but the reality was that he was just too young. Doug needs his rest in order to do his job well. So Coen and I stayed home.

Sometimes it's hard to have a big picture of things. Normally I'm the one that can have a big picture and I have to remind Doug, "this won't last forever." This week though I kept feeling like I'm missing out on so much because we have a little one. And that's probably true. It's different when we hang out with friends. I think about how tired I will be the next day from staying up late (or I'm busy trying to get Coen to sleep). We can't just spontaneously drop everything and go to a movie. Or camping. We can't take a vacation with just the two of us. Not even a getaway for a night. We can't binge watch TV till 2 in the morning. As I've said before, my life revolves around Coen now. But it's not going to last forever. This is a stage of my life. And a relatively short stage in my lifespan.

But the love that I have for that little one? It's insane. He'll drive me so crazy I want to put my head through a wall. I've gotten so frustrated I've screamed into pillows. And the next minute I'm in tears because he's growing up too fast (I admit there are hormones involved). But even though I'll be so tired and all I want to do is sleep, when I do get a break I miss him. I feel like I'm missing out on his life, even though it's only for a couple hours. I just want to soak it all up. I really do love him so much it literally hurts. It's intense. And it's a very different love than I have for Doug. I love Doug so much it also hurts, but it's in a different way. I don't even have the words for it!

Tonight I realized how I've grown to like, maybe even love, nursing. I absolutely hated it in the beginning. If we weren't so poor and if I didn't view formula as poison, I probably would have switched him to formula. I could see why people give formula. In some ways it is very convenient. It frees up the mother so much more if anyone can take care of the baby for hours on end. There isn't the frustration of latching issues. No soreness or engorgement. No anxiety about leaking or losing your supply. For about a month there was toe curling pain whenever we nursed. Now there isn't but there can be other drawbacks that are mentioned above.

But at the same time it is an incredible feeling to have someone so dependent on you. To be needed that much. There is no one like a mother in your life. And I get to be that for Coen. I get to give him the best nutrients and get to nurture him in such a bonding and personal way. I truly believe Breast is Best for baby and am so thankful that he is thriving on my milk and doesn't need supplementation. What a cool design God had with nursing. Tonight though I was thinking about what it will be like emotionally when he nurses for the last time. If I even will know that it will be the last time. And it made me so sad to think about. I'll definitely miss those times. Seems crazy that I'll miss middle of the night feedings (ask me in three hours), but I know I will.

So this week I'm going to try to cherish the time that I have alone with Coen. I know there will be really hard times. But they don't call them growing pains for nothing.