Tonight as I was getting Coen ready for bed I realized that a year ago I was pregnant...and had no idea. Little Coen was in my tummy and I was completely oblivious. Yet God already knew him inside and out. He already knew the number of days and the number of breaths my sweet boy will take. He knew Coen's personality. He knew my little one inside and out completely, and I didn't even know that he existed. I serve a big God with big plans, and I can't wait for what's to come.

Honest

I’ve been thinking about social media the past couple of months and how it is often criticized for not giving an honest picture of our lives. We get to choose how our lives are portrayed and what people see. We all have those people on our newsfeed that are seem to have the perfect lives. All of their posts are about their adventures, their thoughtful significant others, their perfect jobs. And often they’re the ones posting the nauseating quotes splayed over nature photos (usually only nauseating because the perfect person posted it). And then you have the people whose timeline only has all their drama and every bad thing that ever happened to them whether it's being stuck in the traffic jam in LA to Starbucks getting their order wrong. All they do is complain. I didn’t want to be a complainer. I wanted to see my life in a positive light. So I tried to post positive statuses.  I didn’t want to air dirty laundry on the internet. I didn’t want to portray people unfairly. But I wasn’t trying to pretend my life was perfect either. In fact, I feel like most of my blog the past 4 months has been a lot of complaining.

In my MOPS group, we’re talking about honesty. How honesty is needed in relationships to really go deep. How honesty, even when it’s hard, is what makes our friendships real. 

I’m wanting to be honest. Honestly is a tricky thing. I feel that sometimes I can’t be honest because it doesn’t feel fair. Feelings are real and should be validated. But it doesn’t make the feeling right. It’s okay to feel a certain way even if it isn’t right. 

For example, some nights I feel like I do everything around the house. I took care of the baby all day. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I did three loads of laundry. I made the bed. I made dinner. My honest feeling is one of despair and loneliness. It’s a feeling of being the one to do everything and not having any help. 

But it isn’t correct. Because didn’t Doug watch Coen so that I could go running? Didn’t Doug get up at 6:30 in the morning to put Coen back to sleep? Wasn’t he the last one to vacuum the entire house? Didn’t he make the bed yesterday? Didn’t he spend all day at work to provide the mortgage payment and money for groceries? Isn’t he working hard and taking on extra projects so that you can stay at home like you’ve always wanted?

So sometimes I feel like I can’t be honest, because it isn’t fair. 

A lot of the moms seem to have trouble asking for what they need. There’s this perception that we have as moms to be seen as superwoman. We can be up past midnight and up before six, clean up spit up off the carpet, the baby, and ourselves, work out, clean the house, and still show up to a play date with perfectly curled hair and make up. Piece of cake. I was talking to one mom and I mentioned how hard motherhood is and she said, “Yeah, we don’t like mentioning that part to new moms cause we don’t want to scare them.” What the heck? I mean, I knew that it would be hard. But I was naive as to how hard. But maybe you can’t describe it. And you can’t prepare for it. I don’t want to sit down my currently pregnant friends and gush about how hard and wrenching the next stage of their life is going to be. But shouldn’t we be honest with these women? Be honest and then be there to help them through it. Maybe I wouldn’t have been hit so hard if I could have at least tried to mentally prepare myself for motherhood. (I’m trying to decide if I have postpartum depression or normal ups and downs of a changing lifestyle).

Because I hate how I feel some days. I’ll wonder why I ever wanted to be a mom. Why would I trade in my old life for this? When will the joy of being a parent appear? And then I feel so guilty for feeling that way. That I’m wrong for feeling that way. What mother doesn’t want her child? 

I feel like I have to be strong because no one else will be. How much help is okay to ask for? As much as I’m needing? I don’t even know what that point is. Where does the line between how much I’m needing and how much I’m wanting end? Because some days how much help I’m wanting would be to leave in the morning and come back after Coen has gone to sleep at night (but oh how much I would miss him!). 

So I have some things to think about. Honesty needs to start with myself. I need to be honest with how much I can handle (it may be more than I think), what I’m needing, and to be honest about the reality of a situation. Is honesty determined by our feelings and perceptions or about what actually is?

I wanted to be a positive person, but did I lose my honesty in pursuing that?

Sometimes as a mom...

you get baby poop on your pants but you're too tired to change them.

getting time to shave in the shower is a luxury.

scratch that, getting to shower is a luxury.

you hear phantom crying...while you're holding your baby.

you feel like a horrible mom.

you get to brush your teeth maybe once a day.

you forget to buckle the car seat in (and then feel realllllly bad)

you don't want to be a mom anymore.

you can't wait for your baby to wake up so you can play with them.

you'll check out 25 books from the library...for your 2 month old.

all you want to do all day is hold your baby (and eat chocolate).

you miss your old life, but

you can't imagine a better life.

I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog lately, but haven't had the time. So I think this post will be rather random. I read somewhere that I should journal a little bit about Coen every day. I wonder if that person actually had a baby. And if so, how did they find the time to journal? Maybe their baby napped during the day. Cause Coen generally doesn't. The most is about 45 minutes twice a day if I'm lucky. And in that time I'm either showering, eating, or cleaning. It doesn't work to sleep during his nap time because it takes me a bit to fall asleep to begin with. And then he'll start crying when I've only been asleep for 10 or 20 minutes. And then I feel annoyed and not rested at all. So I've given up napping in general during the day and opted for an earlier bedtime.

Coen is still sleeping 6-8 hours at a time at night. He'll still have fluke nights here and there where he'll only sleep for 4. So I am one lucky mama. He slept for 9 hours last night! Unfortunately my body still decides to wake me up every 2-3 hours even if there is no crying baby.

Coen is napping a lot today though (yes!) because I think he's fighting a cold (no!). Doug came home from Hume with a head cold and now Coen and I are fighting it. He's nursing every 90 minutes and I'm glad for every drop of milk that will have antibodies for him. I'm drinking emergenC, green tea, and eating lots of fruits and veggies for those vitamins and minerals. He's wanted to be held for one of his naps today. Which was fine because we just cuddled and watched Boy Meets World. I put him in the swing for this nap though so I could get some lunch and give my arms a break. He's a big boy and gets so heavy.

We did survive last week. The first few days were really good. I got the house cleaned in 2 days and felt like I was on top of everything. And then he had a few rough nights where he was up for 3 hours and for no apparent reason. He wasn't crying the whole time, he just had a hard time falling back asleep. Which left me exhausted and grumpy and I was pretty much a zombie for the rest of the week. I did get some much needed breaks while Nana watched Coen. The first was a day with my best friend Allison and then another day I went shopping and to lunch with my mom. Great to get away for a little bit!

A little later on...

I've been thinking a lot lately about body image. It's a cliche to say that it's everywhere, but in the postpartum world, it's an obsession. On so many forums and on so many newsfeeds I see question after question about how to lose the weight and when moms can start working out again. And I'm not exempt from this. I've had body image issues since I got hips and boobs when I was 12. After having Coen, I did my own research about when I could work out and how I should eat. I came to my own conclusions that I would work out when I felt ready (which was at about 8 weeks) and that I wouldn't count calories or limit my food intake. I'll try and limit the junk food (usually without success), but if I feel hungry I'm going to eat. Now's not the time to skimp on food when I have a little one depending on my body to supply the milk. But so many women look to Weight Watchers (yes, they do have a program for nursing mothers), or other measures in order to get their body back.

My friend posted an article recently that talked about the twisted way we view fitness these days. You can read the article here. But it really got me thinking about how I view fitness. I will acknowledge how it's giving my heart a work out and my muscles a work out, but ultimately I think about how it will make me thinner, toner, and ultimately more attractive. It's an unhealthy way to think. And now it's even more prevalent after giving birth, I was so healthy during pregnancy for two reasons: to give my baby the best growing environment and to try to keep my pre-pregnancy figure. Early in the pregnancy someone made some comments on my weight gain that really hurt, and that really fueled my obsession with keeping on track with my weight. Overall I gained 30 pounds, and lost half of it by the time I came home from the hospital.

I wanted to start working out again for three reasons: to get my strength back, to increase my energy and alter my mood, and to get my body back. I know that I can only push my body so far. I'm never going to have thigh gap or be a size 0. And I know that my body is going to be different after pregnancy. And I am okay with that. But I still feel like I have to work out. I know that my body looks great for only being 12 weeks postpartum (actually I could be 5 years postpartum and it would look great), but I still feel like I need to get in shape.

I turned a corner last weekend though. I remembered when I was pregnant and literally couldn't run anymore. I would get cramps in my stomach and it didn't feel right. I would see kids running down the street and it was a weird feeling to see someone do something that seemed so natural, yet I couldn't do it. And I know that later in life I won't be able to run again. My body will wear out. It will betray me and stop functioning how it did when I was young. So last Sunday I decided to run because I could run. To take advantage of the time that I have with a healthy body.

I want to be able to run a 5k because it's healthy. I want to eat fresh fruits and veggies because my body needs the vitamins and minerals to function correctly. I want to do push-ups so that I have the stamina to carry my sack-of-potatoes-baby around all day. Not so that I can feel attractive.

Besides, Doug loves me will always think I'm beautiful. It's why he brings me Ben and Jerry's Half-Baked ;)

The single life

I've been freaking out about this week for a while. Doug is at Hume with his youth group and I'm home alone with Coen. It's hard enough when Doug is out of town. I have a hard time going to sleep by myself. And not seeing him. And now I have an infant to care for. Originally we had thought Coen and I might be able to join Doug at Hume, but the reality was that he was just too young. Doug needs his rest in order to do his job well. So Coen and I stayed home.

Sometimes it's hard to have a big picture of things. Normally I'm the one that can have a big picture and I have to remind Doug, "this won't last forever." This week though I kept feeling like I'm missing out on so much because we have a little one. And that's probably true. It's different when we hang out with friends. I think about how tired I will be the next day from staying up late (or I'm busy trying to get Coen to sleep). We can't just spontaneously drop everything and go to a movie. Or camping. We can't take a vacation with just the two of us. Not even a getaway for a night. We can't binge watch TV till 2 in the morning. As I've said before, my life revolves around Coen now. But it's not going to last forever. This is a stage of my life. And a relatively short stage in my lifespan.

But the love that I have for that little one? It's insane. He'll drive me so crazy I want to put my head through a wall. I've gotten so frustrated I've screamed into pillows. And the next minute I'm in tears because he's growing up too fast (I admit there are hormones involved). But even though I'll be so tired and all I want to do is sleep, when I do get a break I miss him. I feel like I'm missing out on his life, even though it's only for a couple hours. I just want to soak it all up. I really do love him so much it literally hurts. It's intense. And it's a very different love than I have for Doug. I love Doug so much it also hurts, but it's in a different way. I don't even have the words for it!

Tonight I realized how I've grown to like, maybe even love, nursing. I absolutely hated it in the beginning. If we weren't so poor and if I didn't view formula as poison, I probably would have switched him to formula. I could see why people give formula. In some ways it is very convenient. It frees up the mother so much more if anyone can take care of the baby for hours on end. There isn't the frustration of latching issues. No soreness or engorgement. No anxiety about leaking or losing your supply. For about a month there was toe curling pain whenever we nursed. Now there isn't but there can be other drawbacks that are mentioned above.

But at the same time it is an incredible feeling to have someone so dependent on you. To be needed that much. There is no one like a mother in your life. And I get to be that for Coen. I get to give him the best nutrients and get to nurture him in such a bonding and personal way. I truly believe Breast is Best for baby and am so thankful that he is thriving on my milk and doesn't need supplementation. What a cool design God had with nursing. Tonight though I was thinking about what it will be like emotionally when he nurses for the last time. If I even will know that it will be the last time. And it made me so sad to think about. I'll definitely miss those times. Seems crazy that I'll miss middle of the night feedings (ask me in three hours), but I know I will.

So this week I'm going to try to cherish the time that I have alone with Coen. I know there will be really hard times. But they don't call them growing pains for nothing.

Pain and Love

I have always been pro-vaccinating infants. I've done my research and I really do believe that the benefits outweigh the risks and the best thing that I can do for my child is to vaccinate them. But I still get anxious of the potential side effects. I feel like whatever issues may arise I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. Either Coen will have autism or a fatal reaction to the vaccine or he could catch the measles and die from that. No matter what choice you make, you could find yourself playing the "What if" game.

Coen had his first shots yesterday. I had wanted to put Coen on a vaccine schedule that was a little spaced out, but our pediatrician doesn't allow that. He actually said, "It's not that you're not allowed to do that, but you'll have to find another pediatrician if you want to do that." Right...so it's not allowed here. So we just did the vaccines on schedule. He did really well during them. He cried for maybe 10 seconds and was easily comforted. I fed him right after as well to provide comfort. I had a sugar coated pacifier ready to go for him, but I ended up not using it. We just gave him ibuprofen beforehand.

He was fine for a few hours after that and then was really really fussy. Nothing really comforted him. He usually loves the bath and was fine in it, but you could tell he was still really uncomfortable. He didn't even want to play in his gym because he didn't want to move his legs. We were still giving him ibuprofen. The only time he was at peace was when he was feeding and even then he didn't feed as long as normal. Doug tried to take him driving to calm him but that didn't work either. And then he finally conked out at 10. Luckily he slept for 8 hours and I was hoping that today he would just be really tired and resting as his body deals with the vaccinations. But he was still so uncomfortable and so fussy. He's got little bruises at the injection sites. We started giving him Tylenol and alternating ibuprofen.

I decided to take a bath with him. I had read about people doing that but was terrified that it would just go wrong. That either he'd be too cold being part way out of the water and just scream the whole time, or that I'd accidentally drop him in. Doug was home though so he was able to help get Coen in and out. And for once Coen seemed comforted. He fell asleep for a little bit in my arms. I got a real smile. He fed for a while and got the first full meal since the vaccines. The only bummer part was when he did this maneuver that he normally does where he'll turn his face towards my armpit and then quick back again) almost like a head nuzzle. Well, he stuck his face in the water and inhaled real fast instead. So he didn't like that! We stayed in the bath for about an hour and 20 minutes. We were both pruney. But he was content. For a little bit. He still wouldn't sleep for long in his swing and kept waking up. Doug was kind enough to take over while I went to Target for a few things. That was a nice break.

I always knew that having a child would give me some insight to my relationship with God. It was one of the things I was really excited about. And this was one of them. It is so hard to see your child in pain. It's heartbreaking really. I feel like I shed as many tears as Coen did. It's hard not being able to comfort them, to feel like they won't let you comfort them. Of course God is more than able to comfort me, but so often I look elsewhere. I look for it in food, friends, Doug, etc. when God is the ultimate comforter. It's hard having to put your child through pain even though you know it's for their benefit. And you can't explain that to them. Coen wouldn't understand if I had a conversation with him about why he has to have shots. It can be the same when we experience pain in our lives. We have no idea why we have to go through some of the stuff that we do, and only when we look back can we be thankful for that pain. I wonder how often God is going, "If only you could see the good that will come from this!" Romans 8:28 says that God works together for the good those who love him. I've often held onto that verse as I wait for the good to come. God works in our lives and it's for our good. He takes all of our crap and our pain and uses it to do amazing things. What an awesome God we serve.

I think I've shared this song already, but it's been one of my anthems for the past few months.

I fall in love with Coen more and more each day. I would do anything for him. I can't wait to see what God is going to do with his life.

Oh, and I'm still pro-vaccine. As hard as these days have been, I can't rob Coen of his health to spare us some pain. It just means more snuggles and more prayers.

2 months

Taking a nap can be a catch 22 these days. Either it's amazing to take advantage of the time because it will be a long night or Coen will be having a hard time and I'll need my energy. Or it'll be a smooth day and then you can't sleep when you should be. Granted, it's not even 11, but he went down at 9:45, so I should be sleeping too. And I want to be. But at least I can be productive with my time.

Tomorrow Coen will be 2 months. In some ways it went by fast, but in other ways I have felt every day of those 2 months. Some of those days were so sweet and amazing that I wish I could relive them. And a couple of those days I'd like to forget. I'm very lucky that there are only a handful that were truly awful.

1. Just as I had said that 6 weeks is supposed to be when infants start getting easier, the timeline for that was 6-8 weeks. Well, when he turned 8 weeks old he decided to remind us that he doesn't follow the average baby. We had the worst night since we've had him. He woke up at 1:30 and cried through most of his feeding. An hour later Doug came and took over. At 4 Doug took Coen for a car ride to get him to go to sleep. It worked like a charm (Coen loves Doug's car), but we were both exhausted. Especially when he woke up at 7:30 or 8 to be fed again. And then the following day he was cranky all day. Lots of tears were shed by both of us.

2. Coen likes to keep us on our toes. Following our "worst night ever" was one of the best. He went down at 9:45 and then we didn't hear from him until 5:45. It was the second time he slept for 8 hours. And he slept a lot of the morning as well. Then that night he also slept for 8 hours. I was trying not to get my hopes up of this being a new schedule, but apparently I did because I was super bummed when he woke up at 1:30 last night. So who knows what tonight will look like.

3. After the "worst night ever" Doug was talking to one of his friends who has a little girl a month older than Coen. He remarked that with their little one, if they didn't have her in bed by 8:30, their whole night was shot. So we've been trying to use that as a guideline. Before I just put Coen to bed when he conked out. He always had a bedtime routine (bath, feeding, kiss, put down), but now I try to put him down for the first time by 8:30. He is never fully ready though and gets up a few times before going down for the night. As long as we don't have a repeat of that night, he can feed as often as he wants. I honestly have no idea what happened that night!

4. My mom and I went toy shopping last week and she bought us the book "Happiest baby on the block." It's all about how to calm a crying baby with the five Ss (swaddle, side/stomach, shh, swing, suck). It addresses the problem of colicky babies (which I am sooo glad Coen doesn't have that) but the techniques can be used by anyone. It cracked me up though cause I was trying to decide if it was coincidence that Coen was suddenly so fussy or if it was just a stage in his development (apparently babies have their fussy peak at 6-8 weeks). I feel like I'm glad I know the techniques, but I use them in different ways, not exactly as the book says. Again, it's nice to have a bad of tricks and then personalize it for him. He's not a cookie cutter baby. And I'm so thankful for that.

5. Coen has really started smiling and responding to Doug and me. And that. is. amazing. He is so happy first thing in the morning and loves being talked to. We've also started having more play time. Today I laid out a blanket and we laid down and he had his wrist and sock rattles on and I had one of his colorful toys out that he would track with his eyes. And then I read a chapter of Winnie the Pooh to him. It was such a special time.

6. It's a very American thing to want to put a baby on the adult's schedule. And I have definitely found myself looking back on a day and deciding it was a "good day" if I was able to get what I wanted done. If he slept through my errands so that I got to every store I needed to it was "good." If I had to cut the errands short it was not so good. If I had the energy to clean up around the house or do something in the kitchen then it was "good." But if I didn't even brush my teeth until going to bed the next night or change my clothes then it wasn't good. But I have been trying to change my attitude about that. Because some of the best days are when things didn't get done. Those days that I was parked on the couch nursing around the clock were heaven. And it was all based on what he was needing and his schedule. Nursing is a life style. And definitely at this age it's ok to base your life around their schedule. Of course there are times that they need to be flexible for you or that they'll have to adhere to your schedule, but in general I'm ok with taking his lead.

7. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm no longer anemic and I'm getting energy back. Today I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, nursed and cuddled for a lot of the day, played and then when Coen napped I was able to clean the house except for the bathroom and stairs. Then we went to church, did a Target run, and came home to dinner. He went to bed and Doug and I watched some Breaking Bad (we're so close to finishing!) But that was a pretty big day for me. I want to start working out again but don't want to push it. The last thing I need is to be exhausted when caring for Coen.

8. It took me a little while before I bonded with Coen. Most women feel bonded to their babies right at birth, but I didn't really. Doug and I have had a few conversations and he was able to shed some light on it. During the pregnancy we were so scared that something would go wrong so I probably subconsciously detached myself to protect my heart. I wish I hadn't done that. Sometimes protecting ourselves also robs us of potential joy. Another part of it is that the birth was such a difficult one. And healing took forever. And it wasn't that I blamed him or anything, it's just that it took a lot out of me. It's hard to properly care for someone when you feel like you got hit by a bus for a few weeks. I felt guilty for not being immediately bonded. Like something was wrong with me. I always thought I'd cry when he was born. But it was all so surreal. I've definitely bonded since then and still have bonding moments throughout the days. I didn't cry when he was born, but I did cry when he first smiled at me.

9. Motherhood definitely shows us our faults. It shows me how selfish I can be. And it can be ugly. I am so thankful for tomorrows. On days where I've lost it or I'm ashamed of my reactions, I have the promise of tomorrow and of God's mercies being new. I'm never going to be a perfect mom and I'm not trying for perfection, but it'd be nice to avoid years of therapy. I'm constantly praying for strength and understanding. When I'm at my whit's end I remind myself that it's not my child, it's God's child that I've been entrusted with.

10. Coen loves swimming! He's gone in my parents pool quite a bit this last week and usually lasts 25-40 minutes. It helps that they heat it super warm so it's almost like a bath. He splashes a little bit (mainly on accident) and kicks around a lot. I hope that he loves the water as he grows up. Pools, baths, lakes, the ocean. I want him to be a little water baby!

I feel like I complain on here a lot. I'm not trying to complain but to give an honest picture. I don't want to sugar coat what this stage of my life looks like. It's hard. It's messy. It's worth it. I wouldn't trade it (most days). It's a journey. I can enjoy the good times because I've experienced the bad. I love my little family. That doesn't change.