7 months

I had hoped that I would be better at blogging and writing more of Coen's early months down. But he keeps me so busy that when I finally have a free moment I'd rather eat or sleep or shower. At least I keep track of his happenings on the Calendar that hands in his room. It's like a daily baby book.

1. Coen's first Christmas was a success. He got a lot of toys and a lot of things that he needed like a high chair and a pack n play. He mostly loved the paper and would get mad when you took it away from him. He loves all paper. He eats the mail before I can get it home and the church bulletin when I'm carrying him to the car.

2. He's getting close to crawling. He'll reach for a toy that's out of reach and go onto his belly and then reach his little arms out for it. He can scoot and turn but it seems to be more because he's squirming. I don't think he's really understood that he can move his whole body to get to places. He's almost there though and then all hell will break loose.

3. He's starting solids slowly. I don't really know what approach I want to use, whether to give him purees or follow Baby Led Weaning (pretty much skip purees and give them real food to give themselves). He isn't really good at feeding himself but he really wants it. If I eat something in front of him that he wants he gets really mad until I give him some. So I guess I'm kind of blending the approaches. I don't really give him purees but will put the food in his mouth. He loves bananas and sweet potatoes. He didn't like applesauce. And he had his first french fry today and he really liked those.

4. He lost two of his toys yesterday when we were shopping: his rattle ball and his hedgehog. Luckily he's young enough that he didn't know they were gone. But I was bummed, even though they both could be replaced. Luckily they were both at the same store so we were able to recover them. I know this is just the first of many lost items. So much to keep track of with a baby!

5. He still doesn't have teeth. I think he has had real teething days, they just haven't popped up. Although I feel like whenever he has days that he's cranky and we're not really sure why we just blame it on the teeth. Yesterday at the store he was doing his "Mmmm mmmm" moaning sound and a lady comes around the corner and goes, "Oh, he's teething, that's the teething cry." I thought it was kinda funny because it wasn't at all, it was the sound he makes when he's really tired and he's fighting sleep. I felt like, "Why are you telling me what my kid's cry means? You don't know him..." I know she didn't mean anything by it at all, and she was really sweet. Five minutes later he was asleep in my arms.

6. Coen loves skin. He loves pulling on faces and arms. Sometimes it's really cute and sweet and sometimes it makes me cry out in pain. He also loves to pull hair. To Doug it feels really good so he lets him play with his hair. However, it does NOT feel good to me and is really painful. Whenever he pulls my hair I have to remind myself that I can only blame myself at this age for wearing my hair down.

7. Coen still loves books and is starting to enjoy them more sitting up. I'm starting to run out of books that I remember as a kid and we've read through most of the Berenstain Bear books. There's a lot of books at the library but a lot of them are dumb. I know once Coen can pick them out himself I will be reading a lot of books that I think are dumb, so I'd like to read books that I enjoy now.

8. Coen is starting to babble consonants. He goes "daadaadaadaadaa." It's super cute and smiles real big when you do it back. It's like he's saying, "You get it!" I keep meaning to teach him sign language but I haven't had a chance to look into how to teach it. All in time I guess.

9. We went out of town for Christmas and Coen slept horribly. It was the first time he'd spent the night anywhere besides home. The first night at the hotel I ended up sleeping with him in one of the beds. The second night we ended up on the couch of the house where we were staying. And then when we came home he wouldn't sleep anywhere besides with me. For a night and a half he was in our bed. But I just can't co-bed. I'm so torn on the whole thing. But I really need some time to myself to unwind. And I don't sleep well with him right next to me. I love cuddling with him and love holding him when he's sleeping, but I'm not able to get the rest that I need. And I feel like I can't be an effective and good mom when I'm exhausted. So by the third night we had him sleep in his bed. We had done some sleep training at the beginning of December so we did some of that again. It worked a lot better than I thought and he stayed in his crib after ever feeding throughout the night. I could write a whole blog on our sleep adventures (and probably will in the future).

10. As Coen gets older we keep being like, "This is the best that you've been." Don't get me wrong, there are some things from when he was a newborn that I miss and won't get back. I loved how he would sleep for so long during the day. I loved cuddling up and watching movies and sleeping. I liked holding him and reading for hours. But I love learning more about him. I love watching him play with his toys. Watching him notice a different toy that he wants, drop the one that he's holding, and go after the new toy. I love watching him problem solve. I love making him laugh. Sharing my life in little ways (like sharing a banana or a muffin). I like that he likes going for walks in his stroller. I love seeing him sit in the bath and splash and play with his toy boats. As he's getting older he's more interactive and more aware and it's so rewarding. I'll miss having a newborn, but every day the adventure gets a little bit sweeter.

Object Permanence

Coen was a little grumpy this afternoon. He woke up from a nap and was crying real tears. He cried through his feeding and after about 20 minutes he finally perked up a bit. So we played. I gave him some mixing bowls which he loved. I also gave him a baking pan and a spoon. He liked picking each one and hitting other stuff with it. I showed him how to hit the spoon against each of them to make a fun sound. Then he took the spoon and banged on the items as well. It cracked me up and I had no idea he could be shown how to do something and then turn around and do it!

Once he got bored of that we read a few books while he chewed on the spoon. Then it was time for a new activity so I grabbed his burp cloth and started playing peek-a-boo. I think it was last week that I got a reaction from the game for the first time. He'd chuckle each time I revealed my face and wait for the game to start over. So today we played for a long time. I must have hid behind the cloth at least 40 times. Sometimes I hid his face but he seemed to like it best when I was the one to hide. Every time I took the cloth away he was delighted to see me and his face lit up and he'd chuckle (still only does small short laughs). He still hasn't mastered object permanence which is why the game is so great to him. Object permanence is being able to understand that things continue to exist even when they cannot be observed. So every time I pop out from that cloth it's as if I magically appear to him. It's also why you can remove an item from the baby that you don't want them to have, hide it, and they'll forget about it. Older children will just go and grab the item from behind the couch, or open the cabinet to get it back out, because they know that the item still exists.

As I was playing with me it struck me how oftentimes we haven't grasped object permanence when it comes to God. We'll see him work in our lives and we know that it's God. We praise him for his faithfulness. We cling to him through our storms and trials. He is there when we need him. God always shows up. But that's all that it is to us sometimes. We think of him showing up but He never went anywhere. Instead He is there, waiting for us to pull the cloth aside so he can say "peek-a-boo." We act like He doesn't exist when we can't observe Him working in our lives. We forget that he exists when we can't observe Him.

But that's completely wrong. Whether we're hiding behind the cloth ourselves or we feel like he's hiding behind a cloth, He's still right there. Sometimes waiting for us to seek Him. Sometimes whispering and quietly working in our lives. Sometimes shouting to get our attention. But he's there.
I need to have spiritual object permanence. It's easy to come to God in trials. It's harder in good times. It's easy to praise Him in good times. It's harder to continue depending on Him during good times.
I love getting little spiritual glimpses through things like a simple game of peek-a-boo. What a gift.

First Heartbreak

I feel like the older I get the more I'm reflecting on random parts of my life. I've been thinking about middle school a lot. I had a really good experience. I was at a small school with people I had grown up with. We were sheltered enough that we had retained our innocence (and stories we heard appalled us).

It's amazing to me that that was literally half a lifetime ago. Today I was drinking my coffee and looking at my Timehop app and saw that Monster's Inc. came out 13 years ago. And then I remembered: Yesterday marked the day that I got my first broken heart, half a lifetime ago.

It wasn't my first boyfriend. I had ended my first "relationship" and broke his heart. But this was the boy next door. A boy I had grown up with. He was 2 years older. We walked to the movies with our siblings and held hands. He burned CDs for me of bands that he liked (mainly A Newfound Glory and Blink 182). We watched movies in the garage with our siblings. I rode on the back of his BMX bike. We hugged. We played Sardines at night in the neighborhood. We wrote notes and handed them off to each other. It was cute. It was so innocent. It lasted for a summer and then was abruptly over. I got dumped by his sister. I found out he hadn't like me for a couple weeks and his whole family had known. I felt humiliated. I was broken. He didn't want to be friends. He said we only hung out because we liked each other. And that was that. We all pretty much stopped hanging out. I vowed to myself to never let that happen again.

It took me 2 years to move on. And I have no idea why. I have analyzed what it was about that relationship and the best answer I can come up was that it was just because it was the first heartbreak. And things like that can scar you. I hadn't loved him. I didn't even really know him. We didn't really have a friendship. He was right in that we only hung out because we liked each other. And he was right in ending it. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe I was just a hopeless romantic that finally had a guy interested (I was never a pretty girl in my classes), and the rejection hurt. Maybe the fairy tale, Cory and Topanga, boy-next-door story was shaped what I thought relationships should look like.

That experience shaped me though. I became the heartbreaker. I didn't let anyone get close. I ended relationships after a few months. My longest relationship before Doug was 4 months. A big part of that was because I'd figure out that I didn't want to be with the guy a lot faster. So why waste my time? Why get invested and open my heart up to be broken again when I knew it wasn't going anywhere? (Something I knew and ignored with the boy next door). In some ways I'm glad I did this, because most of the guys in high school weren't worth the investment.

A lot of experiences in my life have caused me to try to protect myself. To put up walls and not be vulnerable, because I only saw vulnerability as an opportunity to be hurt. This was one of the first experiences to contribute, but not the most profound. But living that way is so pointless. Yes, there are situations and people to protect yourself from. But to limit your vulnerability, to limit your capacity for pain, is to limit your capacity for joy. And if I want to live my life with joy, I need to be able to be vulnerable. Not letting people in because they might hurt you will keep people out of your life that could lift you up and be a lifelong friend. We learn from pain and joy. Embrace life. Don't cower.

My heart mended and I moved on. It was cracked and broken again a couple times over the years but that's because I was able to open my heart to others. And Doug got to keep my heart. And I his. Both have scars but they're what makes us uniquely us. Without those scars I wouldn't be who I am today. So I can look back with a smile on that first sweet, simple, puppy-love relationship. And be thankful for how it contributed to my future relationships.

It'll be fun in 26 years when I can reminisce about this time in my life, and how much will have happened in the next half of my lifetime.

Babies and Pumpkins

I know that putting babies in pumpkins has gotten a little overrated the past couple of years. A bit "basic." And then there are all of the failed posts of the crying baby or the baby freaking out. I never thought much of them. But then I had a baby. And I figure he's only small enough to put in a pumpkin once. So people may roll their eyes at people putting babies in pumpkins...

But look how cute he is!

This was the closest we got to a smile. He never really fussed, he just kept looking around him. I think he was enjoying being outside. We tried singing songs, making noises, making faces, everything to get a good grin, but he was just sitting contently in the pumpkin.

Then he figured out he could reach the corn and had a blast playing with that!

He didn't hate the pumpkin at all. Although he did not like getting out of it. He got a little stuck haha.

It's a bit of a relief to be able to do things that make it seem like fall. With how busy we are and how much time and energy Coen demands from us I wasn't expecting much from this holiday season. But today we went to the grocery store to pick out pumpkins ($5 at Ralphs!), and I seeded and cleaned out both pumpkins during one of his naps. During his morning nap Doug and I watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and tonight we're going to roast seeds, watch "Hocus Pocus" and make kettle corn (assuming bed time goes smoothly). We're getting to enjoy our fall and that makes me really happy.

Coen's new napping schedule also makes me really happy. I had heard about the "90 Minute Sleep Program Book" which basically states that your baby doesn't sleep well because he's overtired. It suggests following the natural rhythm of tiredness which occurs 90 minutes after your baby has woken up. So the past 2 weeks I've tried my best to put him down 90 minutes after he last woke up (some days were harder than others because of appointments and activities). And it's actually working really well. The last couple of days he's gone down for a nap without a peep. And it's not sleep training. I'm not letting him cry it out or anything like that. I just swaddle him up and put him in his swing and he goes to sleep within minutes. If he fusses I stay with him until he drift off (less than 5 minutes each time). It has been glorious and I hope that he keeps it up. Some naps are still only 45 minutes long but that's ok. Most days he takes at least an hour and a half nap (yes!). And it's amazing what I can do with that time!

Almost 5 months

When Coen was three months old everyone kept telling us, "I can't believe he's already three months old! That went fast!" I could believe it. It didn't go fast for me. I felt every one of those long days and nights. But the past two months have really gone by fast. And I know it's only going to keep going faster. I keep looking forward to the future and I have to remind myself to cherish this time now. Today I was telling Doug that this is such a short time and I'm not always going to just be able to relax on the couch and nurse a baby without anything else to do. Because when baby #2 eventually gets here, I'll have Coen to take care of and to play with. So I really want to hold onto this special time with my babe.

Coen is definitely unpredictable. I wonder if that is going to always be a word that I use to describe him. Just when you think you have him figured out, he changes it on you. For a while he was sleeping great in a transition suit to help him break the swaddle. After three weeks he decided that he was done using it and is now being swaddled again. For almost a month and a half he slept really well in the crib at night. Now he's back in the swing. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back, and sometimes it feels like one step forward, five step backwards!

With that, I'm really trying not to have any expectations. I try to do so much research and reading for what my baby "needs" or "should be doing." I do find useful information or tricks for my mama tool box, but I feel like I always walk away deciding that I just need to let things be and not stress about them. I still have a hard time not evaluating how good of a day it was based on whether Coen was a content baby that went along with whatever I wanted to do. That he didn't have a break down in Target. That he didn't fight being put down for a nap. That he let me sit him in his jumperoo while I made a meal. And I don't want to be like that. He's this little person that has a personality and a will. And his will is definitely not going to always agree with mine. There will be times where that is perfectly fine. I get to have a relationship with him, but not if I'm always trying to set the terms of that relationship.

Coen is really becoming so much fun to hang out with. For a long time there all he could do was lay there and stare at you. I always talked and sang to him, but now he responds. He smiles real big at you. He loves touching faces and sometimes he isn't as gentle as he should be. He loves nuzzling into shoulders. He loves laying on his back and doing the "happy baby" yoga pose. He loves swimming and will just lay very still on his back (he could float if his head wasn't so heavy. He also likes doing happy baby in the pool). He is just starting to laugh but is a pretty serious kid. He can sit on his own, but not for very long, and kinda sits like a monkey propped up on his arms. He still loves being read to and is starting to grab the books and eat them. He is very interested in coffee mugs, which worries me for when he gets really good at grabbing stuff. He likes car rides now and most of the time will sit contently in the back even when he doesn't fall asleep. I'll put him on his tummy for tummy time and put a toy maybe a foot away from him. He's figured out how to pull the blanket to get the toy to him. His eyes sparkle and light up and he engages so well with people. He's so much fun to be around.

Lately he hasn't wanted to be rocked to sleep. And that breaks my mama heart. He'll be tired but if you try to rock him he arches his back and squawks/screeches. But if you lay him in his crib or swing he'll fuss for maybe 20 seconds and then be asleep. I knew I wouldn't get to rock him to sleep forever, and that he should learn to fall asleep on his own, but I wasn't ready. Tonight though he was ready for bed and I swaddled him up and he fussed a bit like usual. I picked him up and he was real still in my arms. I couldn't believe that he wasn't making a peep or squirming at all so I just held him and swayed with him. I knew he was asleep and I could put him down but I didn't want to. So I held onto him a little longer before finally putting him down, drinking in every minute. (Next week I'll complain that he wont go to sleep without being rocked haha)

He also really watches us when we eat. I'm excited to let him play with food and see what he thinks when he puts them in his mouth. Which foods he will like and which he'll have no interest in.

There's so much more to learn about this kid and I'm so excited for the adventure.

Tonight as I was getting Coen ready for bed I realized that a year ago I was pregnant...and had no idea. Little Coen was in my tummy and I was completely oblivious. Yet God already knew him inside and out. He already knew the number of days and the number of breaths my sweet boy will take. He knew Coen's personality. He knew my little one inside and out completely, and I didn't even know that he existed. I serve a big God with big plans, and I can't wait for what's to come.

Honest

I’ve been thinking about social media the past couple of months and how it is often criticized for not giving an honest picture of our lives. We get to choose how our lives are portrayed and what people see. We all have those people on our newsfeed that are seem to have the perfect lives. All of their posts are about their adventures, their thoughtful significant others, their perfect jobs. And often they’re the ones posting the nauseating quotes splayed over nature photos (usually only nauseating because the perfect person posted it). And then you have the people whose timeline only has all their drama and every bad thing that ever happened to them whether it's being stuck in the traffic jam in LA to Starbucks getting their order wrong. All they do is complain. I didn’t want to be a complainer. I wanted to see my life in a positive light. So I tried to post positive statuses.  I didn’t want to air dirty laundry on the internet. I didn’t want to portray people unfairly. But I wasn’t trying to pretend my life was perfect either. In fact, I feel like most of my blog the past 4 months has been a lot of complaining.

In my MOPS group, we’re talking about honesty. How honesty is needed in relationships to really go deep. How honesty, even when it’s hard, is what makes our friendships real. 

I’m wanting to be honest. Honestly is a tricky thing. I feel that sometimes I can’t be honest because it doesn’t feel fair. Feelings are real and should be validated. But it doesn’t make the feeling right. It’s okay to feel a certain way even if it isn’t right. 

For example, some nights I feel like I do everything around the house. I took care of the baby all day. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I did three loads of laundry. I made the bed. I made dinner. My honest feeling is one of despair and loneliness. It’s a feeling of being the one to do everything and not having any help. 

But it isn’t correct. Because didn’t Doug watch Coen so that I could go running? Didn’t Doug get up at 6:30 in the morning to put Coen back to sleep? Wasn’t he the last one to vacuum the entire house? Didn’t he make the bed yesterday? Didn’t he spend all day at work to provide the mortgage payment and money for groceries? Isn’t he working hard and taking on extra projects so that you can stay at home like you’ve always wanted?

So sometimes I feel like I can’t be honest, because it isn’t fair. 

A lot of the moms seem to have trouble asking for what they need. There’s this perception that we have as moms to be seen as superwoman. We can be up past midnight and up before six, clean up spit up off the carpet, the baby, and ourselves, work out, clean the house, and still show up to a play date with perfectly curled hair and make up. Piece of cake. I was talking to one mom and I mentioned how hard motherhood is and she said, “Yeah, we don’t like mentioning that part to new moms cause we don’t want to scare them.” What the heck? I mean, I knew that it would be hard. But I was naive as to how hard. But maybe you can’t describe it. And you can’t prepare for it. I don’t want to sit down my currently pregnant friends and gush about how hard and wrenching the next stage of their life is going to be. But shouldn’t we be honest with these women? Be honest and then be there to help them through it. Maybe I wouldn’t have been hit so hard if I could have at least tried to mentally prepare myself for motherhood. (I’m trying to decide if I have postpartum depression or normal ups and downs of a changing lifestyle).

Because I hate how I feel some days. I’ll wonder why I ever wanted to be a mom. Why would I trade in my old life for this? When will the joy of being a parent appear? And then I feel so guilty for feeling that way. That I’m wrong for feeling that way. What mother doesn’t want her child? 

I feel like I have to be strong because no one else will be. How much help is okay to ask for? As much as I’m needing? I don’t even know what that point is. Where does the line between how much I’m needing and how much I’m wanting end? Because some days how much help I’m wanting would be to leave in the morning and come back after Coen has gone to sleep at night (but oh how much I would miss him!). 

So I have some things to think about. Honesty needs to start with myself. I need to be honest with how much I can handle (it may be more than I think), what I’m needing, and to be honest about the reality of a situation. Is honesty determined by our feelings and perceptions or about what actually is?

I wanted to be a positive person, but did I lose my honesty in pursuing that?

Sometimes as a mom...

you get baby poop on your pants but you're too tired to change them.

getting time to shave in the shower is a luxury.

scratch that, getting to shower is a luxury.

you hear phantom crying...while you're holding your baby.

you feel like a horrible mom.

you get to brush your teeth maybe once a day.

you forget to buckle the car seat in (and then feel realllllly bad)

you don't want to be a mom anymore.

you can't wait for your baby to wake up so you can play with them.

you'll check out 25 books from the library...for your 2 month old.

all you want to do all day is hold your baby (and eat chocolate).

you miss your old life, but

you can't imagine a better life.

I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog lately, but haven't had the time. So I think this post will be rather random. I read somewhere that I should journal a little bit about Coen every day. I wonder if that person actually had a baby. And if so, how did they find the time to journal? Maybe their baby napped during the day. Cause Coen generally doesn't. The most is about 45 minutes twice a day if I'm lucky. And in that time I'm either showering, eating, or cleaning. It doesn't work to sleep during his nap time because it takes me a bit to fall asleep to begin with. And then he'll start crying when I've only been asleep for 10 or 20 minutes. And then I feel annoyed and not rested at all. So I've given up napping in general during the day and opted for an earlier bedtime.

Coen is still sleeping 6-8 hours at a time at night. He'll still have fluke nights here and there where he'll only sleep for 4. So I am one lucky mama. He slept for 9 hours last night! Unfortunately my body still decides to wake me up every 2-3 hours even if there is no crying baby.

Coen is napping a lot today though (yes!) because I think he's fighting a cold (no!). Doug came home from Hume with a head cold and now Coen and I are fighting it. He's nursing every 90 minutes and I'm glad for every drop of milk that will have antibodies for him. I'm drinking emergenC, green tea, and eating lots of fruits and veggies for those vitamins and minerals. He's wanted to be held for one of his naps today. Which was fine because we just cuddled and watched Boy Meets World. I put him in the swing for this nap though so I could get some lunch and give my arms a break. He's a big boy and gets so heavy.

We did survive last week. The first few days were really good. I got the house cleaned in 2 days and felt like I was on top of everything. And then he had a few rough nights where he was up for 3 hours and for no apparent reason. He wasn't crying the whole time, he just had a hard time falling back asleep. Which left me exhausted and grumpy and I was pretty much a zombie for the rest of the week. I did get some much needed breaks while Nana watched Coen. The first was a day with my best friend Allison and then another day I went shopping and to lunch with my mom. Great to get away for a little bit!

A little later on...

I've been thinking a lot lately about body image. It's a cliche to say that it's everywhere, but in the postpartum world, it's an obsession. On so many forums and on so many newsfeeds I see question after question about how to lose the weight and when moms can start working out again. And I'm not exempt from this. I've had body image issues since I got hips and boobs when I was 12. After having Coen, I did my own research about when I could work out and how I should eat. I came to my own conclusions that I would work out when I felt ready (which was at about 8 weeks) and that I wouldn't count calories or limit my food intake. I'll try and limit the junk food (usually without success), but if I feel hungry I'm going to eat. Now's not the time to skimp on food when I have a little one depending on my body to supply the milk. But so many women look to Weight Watchers (yes, they do have a program for nursing mothers), or other measures in order to get their body back.

My friend posted an article recently that talked about the twisted way we view fitness these days. You can read the article here. But it really got me thinking about how I view fitness. I will acknowledge how it's giving my heart a work out and my muscles a work out, but ultimately I think about how it will make me thinner, toner, and ultimately more attractive. It's an unhealthy way to think. And now it's even more prevalent after giving birth, I was so healthy during pregnancy for two reasons: to give my baby the best growing environment and to try to keep my pre-pregnancy figure. Early in the pregnancy someone made some comments on my weight gain that really hurt, and that really fueled my obsession with keeping on track with my weight. Overall I gained 30 pounds, and lost half of it by the time I came home from the hospital.

I wanted to start working out again for three reasons: to get my strength back, to increase my energy and alter my mood, and to get my body back. I know that I can only push my body so far. I'm never going to have thigh gap or be a size 0. And I know that my body is going to be different after pregnancy. And I am okay with that. But I still feel like I have to work out. I know that my body looks great for only being 12 weeks postpartum (actually I could be 5 years postpartum and it would look great), but I still feel like I need to get in shape.

I turned a corner last weekend though. I remembered when I was pregnant and literally couldn't run anymore. I would get cramps in my stomach and it didn't feel right. I would see kids running down the street and it was a weird feeling to see someone do something that seemed so natural, yet I couldn't do it. And I know that later in life I won't be able to run again. My body will wear out. It will betray me and stop functioning how it did when I was young. So last Sunday I decided to run because I could run. To take advantage of the time that I have with a healthy body.

I want to be able to run a 5k because it's healthy. I want to eat fresh fruits and veggies because my body needs the vitamins and minerals to function correctly. I want to do push-ups so that I have the stamina to carry my sack-of-potatoes-baby around all day. Not so that I can feel attractive.

Besides, Doug loves me will always think I'm beautiful. It's why he brings me Ben and Jerry's Half-Baked ;)

The single life

I've been freaking out about this week for a while. Doug is at Hume with his youth group and I'm home alone with Coen. It's hard enough when Doug is out of town. I have a hard time going to sleep by myself. And not seeing him. And now I have an infant to care for. Originally we had thought Coen and I might be able to join Doug at Hume, but the reality was that he was just too young. Doug needs his rest in order to do his job well. So Coen and I stayed home.

Sometimes it's hard to have a big picture of things. Normally I'm the one that can have a big picture and I have to remind Doug, "this won't last forever." This week though I kept feeling like I'm missing out on so much because we have a little one. And that's probably true. It's different when we hang out with friends. I think about how tired I will be the next day from staying up late (or I'm busy trying to get Coen to sleep). We can't just spontaneously drop everything and go to a movie. Or camping. We can't take a vacation with just the two of us. Not even a getaway for a night. We can't binge watch TV till 2 in the morning. As I've said before, my life revolves around Coen now. But it's not going to last forever. This is a stage of my life. And a relatively short stage in my lifespan.

But the love that I have for that little one? It's insane. He'll drive me so crazy I want to put my head through a wall. I've gotten so frustrated I've screamed into pillows. And the next minute I'm in tears because he's growing up too fast (I admit there are hormones involved). But even though I'll be so tired and all I want to do is sleep, when I do get a break I miss him. I feel like I'm missing out on his life, even though it's only for a couple hours. I just want to soak it all up. I really do love him so much it literally hurts. It's intense. And it's a very different love than I have for Doug. I love Doug so much it also hurts, but it's in a different way. I don't even have the words for it!

Tonight I realized how I've grown to like, maybe even love, nursing. I absolutely hated it in the beginning. If we weren't so poor and if I didn't view formula as poison, I probably would have switched him to formula. I could see why people give formula. In some ways it is very convenient. It frees up the mother so much more if anyone can take care of the baby for hours on end. There isn't the frustration of latching issues. No soreness or engorgement. No anxiety about leaking or losing your supply. For about a month there was toe curling pain whenever we nursed. Now there isn't but there can be other drawbacks that are mentioned above.

But at the same time it is an incredible feeling to have someone so dependent on you. To be needed that much. There is no one like a mother in your life. And I get to be that for Coen. I get to give him the best nutrients and get to nurture him in such a bonding and personal way. I truly believe Breast is Best for baby and am so thankful that he is thriving on my milk and doesn't need supplementation. What a cool design God had with nursing. Tonight though I was thinking about what it will be like emotionally when he nurses for the last time. If I even will know that it will be the last time. And it made me so sad to think about. I'll definitely miss those times. Seems crazy that I'll miss middle of the night feedings (ask me in three hours), but I know I will.

So this week I'm going to try to cherish the time that I have alone with Coen. I know there will be really hard times. But they don't call them growing pains for nothing.

Pain and Love

I have always been pro-vaccinating infants. I've done my research and I really do believe that the benefits outweigh the risks and the best thing that I can do for my child is to vaccinate them. But I still get anxious of the potential side effects. I feel like whatever issues may arise I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. Either Coen will have autism or a fatal reaction to the vaccine or he could catch the measles and die from that. No matter what choice you make, you could find yourself playing the "What if" game.

Coen had his first shots yesterday. I had wanted to put Coen on a vaccine schedule that was a little spaced out, but our pediatrician doesn't allow that. He actually said, "It's not that you're not allowed to do that, but you'll have to find another pediatrician if you want to do that." Right...so it's not allowed here. So we just did the vaccines on schedule. He did really well during them. He cried for maybe 10 seconds and was easily comforted. I fed him right after as well to provide comfort. I had a sugar coated pacifier ready to go for him, but I ended up not using it. We just gave him ibuprofen beforehand.

He was fine for a few hours after that and then was really really fussy. Nothing really comforted him. He usually loves the bath and was fine in it, but you could tell he was still really uncomfortable. He didn't even want to play in his gym because he didn't want to move his legs. We were still giving him ibuprofen. The only time he was at peace was when he was feeding and even then he didn't feed as long as normal. Doug tried to take him driving to calm him but that didn't work either. And then he finally conked out at 10. Luckily he slept for 8 hours and I was hoping that today he would just be really tired and resting as his body deals with the vaccinations. But he was still so uncomfortable and so fussy. He's got little bruises at the injection sites. We started giving him Tylenol and alternating ibuprofen.

I decided to take a bath with him. I had read about people doing that but was terrified that it would just go wrong. That either he'd be too cold being part way out of the water and just scream the whole time, or that I'd accidentally drop him in. Doug was home though so he was able to help get Coen in and out. And for once Coen seemed comforted. He fell asleep for a little bit in my arms. I got a real smile. He fed for a while and got the first full meal since the vaccines. The only bummer part was when he did this maneuver that he normally does where he'll turn his face towards my armpit and then quick back again) almost like a head nuzzle. Well, he stuck his face in the water and inhaled real fast instead. So he didn't like that! We stayed in the bath for about an hour and 20 minutes. We were both pruney. But he was content. For a little bit. He still wouldn't sleep for long in his swing and kept waking up. Doug was kind enough to take over while I went to Target for a few things. That was a nice break.

I always knew that having a child would give me some insight to my relationship with God. It was one of the things I was really excited about. And this was one of them. It is so hard to see your child in pain. It's heartbreaking really. I feel like I shed as many tears as Coen did. It's hard not being able to comfort them, to feel like they won't let you comfort them. Of course God is more than able to comfort me, but so often I look elsewhere. I look for it in food, friends, Doug, etc. when God is the ultimate comforter. It's hard having to put your child through pain even though you know it's for their benefit. And you can't explain that to them. Coen wouldn't understand if I had a conversation with him about why he has to have shots. It can be the same when we experience pain in our lives. We have no idea why we have to go through some of the stuff that we do, and only when we look back can we be thankful for that pain. I wonder how often God is going, "If only you could see the good that will come from this!" Romans 8:28 says that God works together for the good those who love him. I've often held onto that verse as I wait for the good to come. God works in our lives and it's for our good. He takes all of our crap and our pain and uses it to do amazing things. What an awesome God we serve.

I think I've shared this song already, but it's been one of my anthems for the past few months.

I fall in love with Coen more and more each day. I would do anything for him. I can't wait to see what God is going to do with his life.

Oh, and I'm still pro-vaccine. As hard as these days have been, I can't rob Coen of his health to spare us some pain. It just means more snuggles and more prayers.

2 months

Taking a nap can be a catch 22 these days. Either it's amazing to take advantage of the time because it will be a long night or Coen will be having a hard time and I'll need my energy. Or it'll be a smooth day and then you can't sleep when you should be. Granted, it's not even 11, but he went down at 9:45, so I should be sleeping too. And I want to be. But at least I can be productive with my time.

Tomorrow Coen will be 2 months. In some ways it went by fast, but in other ways I have felt every day of those 2 months. Some of those days were so sweet and amazing that I wish I could relive them. And a couple of those days I'd like to forget. I'm very lucky that there are only a handful that were truly awful.

1. Just as I had said that 6 weeks is supposed to be when infants start getting easier, the timeline for that was 6-8 weeks. Well, when he turned 8 weeks old he decided to remind us that he doesn't follow the average baby. We had the worst night since we've had him. He woke up at 1:30 and cried through most of his feeding. An hour later Doug came and took over. At 4 Doug took Coen for a car ride to get him to go to sleep. It worked like a charm (Coen loves Doug's car), but we were both exhausted. Especially when he woke up at 7:30 or 8 to be fed again. And then the following day he was cranky all day. Lots of tears were shed by both of us.

2. Coen likes to keep us on our toes. Following our "worst night ever" was one of the best. He went down at 9:45 and then we didn't hear from him until 5:45. It was the second time he slept for 8 hours. And he slept a lot of the morning as well. Then that night he also slept for 8 hours. I was trying not to get my hopes up of this being a new schedule, but apparently I did because I was super bummed when he woke up at 1:30 last night. So who knows what tonight will look like.

3. After the "worst night ever" Doug was talking to one of his friends who has a little girl a month older than Coen. He remarked that with their little one, if they didn't have her in bed by 8:30, their whole night was shot. So we've been trying to use that as a guideline. Before I just put Coen to bed when he conked out. He always had a bedtime routine (bath, feeding, kiss, put down), but now I try to put him down for the first time by 8:30. He is never fully ready though and gets up a few times before going down for the night. As long as we don't have a repeat of that night, he can feed as often as he wants. I honestly have no idea what happened that night!

4. My mom and I went toy shopping last week and she bought us the book "Happiest baby on the block." It's all about how to calm a crying baby with the five Ss (swaddle, side/stomach, shh, swing, suck). It addresses the problem of colicky babies (which I am sooo glad Coen doesn't have that) but the techniques can be used by anyone. It cracked me up though cause I was trying to decide if it was coincidence that Coen was suddenly so fussy or if it was just a stage in his development (apparently babies have their fussy peak at 6-8 weeks). I feel like I'm glad I know the techniques, but I use them in different ways, not exactly as the book says. Again, it's nice to have a bad of tricks and then personalize it for him. He's not a cookie cutter baby. And I'm so thankful for that.

5. Coen has really started smiling and responding to Doug and me. And that. is. amazing. He is so happy first thing in the morning and loves being talked to. We've also started having more play time. Today I laid out a blanket and we laid down and he had his wrist and sock rattles on and I had one of his colorful toys out that he would track with his eyes. And then I read a chapter of Winnie the Pooh to him. It was such a special time.

6. It's a very American thing to want to put a baby on the adult's schedule. And I have definitely found myself looking back on a day and deciding it was a "good day" if I was able to get what I wanted done. If he slept through my errands so that I got to every store I needed to it was "good." If I had to cut the errands short it was not so good. If I had the energy to clean up around the house or do something in the kitchen then it was "good." But if I didn't even brush my teeth until going to bed the next night or change my clothes then it wasn't good. But I have been trying to change my attitude about that. Because some of the best days are when things didn't get done. Those days that I was parked on the couch nursing around the clock were heaven. And it was all based on what he was needing and his schedule. Nursing is a life style. And definitely at this age it's ok to base your life around their schedule. Of course there are times that they need to be flexible for you or that they'll have to adhere to your schedule, but in general I'm ok with taking his lead.

7. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm no longer anemic and I'm getting energy back. Today I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, nursed and cuddled for a lot of the day, played and then when Coen napped I was able to clean the house except for the bathroom and stairs. Then we went to church, did a Target run, and came home to dinner. He went to bed and Doug and I watched some Breaking Bad (we're so close to finishing!) But that was a pretty big day for me. I want to start working out again but don't want to push it. The last thing I need is to be exhausted when caring for Coen.

8. It took me a little while before I bonded with Coen. Most women feel bonded to their babies right at birth, but I didn't really. Doug and I have had a few conversations and he was able to shed some light on it. During the pregnancy we were so scared that something would go wrong so I probably subconsciously detached myself to protect my heart. I wish I hadn't done that. Sometimes protecting ourselves also robs us of potential joy. Another part of it is that the birth was such a difficult one. And healing took forever. And it wasn't that I blamed him or anything, it's just that it took a lot out of me. It's hard to properly care for someone when you feel like you got hit by a bus for a few weeks. I felt guilty for not being immediately bonded. Like something was wrong with me. I always thought I'd cry when he was born. But it was all so surreal. I've definitely bonded since then and still have bonding moments throughout the days. I didn't cry when he was born, but I did cry when he first smiled at me.

9. Motherhood definitely shows us our faults. It shows me how selfish I can be. And it can be ugly. I am so thankful for tomorrows. On days where I've lost it or I'm ashamed of my reactions, I have the promise of tomorrow and of God's mercies being new. I'm never going to be a perfect mom and I'm not trying for perfection, but it'd be nice to avoid years of therapy. I'm constantly praying for strength and understanding. When I'm at my whit's end I remind myself that it's not my child, it's God's child that I've been entrusted with.

10. Coen loves swimming! He's gone in my parents pool quite a bit this last week and usually lasts 25-40 minutes. It helps that they heat it super warm so it's almost like a bath. He splashes a little bit (mainly on accident) and kicks around a lot. I hope that he loves the water as he grows up. Pools, baths, lakes, the ocean. I want him to be a little water baby!

I feel like I complain on here a lot. I'm not trying to complain but to give an honest picture. I don't want to sugar coat what this stage of my life looks like. It's hard. It's messy. It's worth it. I wouldn't trade it (most days). It's a journey. I can enjoy the good times because I've experienced the bad. I love my little family. That doesn't change.

Community

It's much easier waiting out Coen to see if he's going to go back to sleep than being roused from bed multiple times. So here I am again.

It seems that Coen hasn't reached that magical place of unicorns and rainbows that so many sites claim happens between 6-8 weeks. In fact, more sources point to this being the fussiest time for newborns, and that seems to be more true. Which just seems weird for him since he is such a good baby--and he still is. He just needs to be held and rocked more and doesn't nap well enough to be put down once he falls asleep. Luckily there are many arms who are eager to hold him. And it's how I was able to finish my 730 page book before I had to return it to the library.

My mom took me and Coen on a toy shopping spree since he didn't really have that many toys besides his gym that were age appropriate. While at Babies R Us she saw the book "Happiest Baby on the Block." I had heard it referenced on a couple different sites when I was looking up various things but hadn't thought much about it. She bought it for me though and just at the right time. It pretty much theorizes that for the first three months of life, babies just want to be back in the womb. They don't really interact with the world yet and are most at ease when we imitate the womb by swaddling, holding them on their side/stomach, swinging them, making shhing sounds, and letting them suck on something. It's his recipe for a calm baby, especially a colicky baby (Thank you God that Coen isn't colicky). But he has been fussy the last couple of days. Crying for apparently no reason, or not staying soothed for long. Usually I don't swaddle him during the day when he's just sleeping in my arms or somebody else's. But yesterday he needed to be swaddled in order to be at ease and go to sleep--twice. I'm only about half way through the book, but it's really helped so far. And we got it at the perfect time since it's only helpful the first three months.

It got me thinking about something that I've seen in the literature again and again: that parenthood isn't instinctual. That we're constantly wanting manuals on how to take care of a baby. And that seems so strange to me. In the wild animals have the instincts on how to best care for their young. They just do it. But for humans it isn't instinctual, even breastfeeding isn't instinctual for baby or mom. Baby has some instincts to help it breastfeed, but many still are needing to learn along with mom how to best do it. Maybe we do have these instincts but we don't trust ourselves enough to use them. Or we have instincts enough where our babies are going to live. It's not like if I didn't do any research I wouldn't have been able to care for Coen at all. But there are so many different theories on babies and how to care for them. It's not like we all instinctually know the "best way." And some theories, like letting a baby Cry It Out in the first three months, do feel wrong (because it is).

I was talking to my mom about this and she brought up the fact that it's probably because God meant for us to live in community. Unlike in the wild, we're not meant to do it alone. The older generations were meant to guide the younger generation and to help them out. The households were multigenerational so there was ample help with your child. And I'm sure that even within those households there were different ideas on the "best" way to calm a baby.

I'm really looking forward to getting plugged in with other young mothers. I need community for this period of time in my life. I have some Facebook friends who are in the same season and who can give advice, but none locally. None to hang out with or have play dates with. My church has a MOPS program so I'm looking forward to trying that in the fall. Something that I would not be able to do if I were working since they meet during the day.

I think he finally drifted off for good. Now it's my turn to try to go to sleep. I feel like I've had a touch of insomnia the past few days. Boo. Which makes me feel like this:

Here's to more sleep!

Middle of the night ramblings

A hard thing about nursing in the middle of the night is that it's hard for me to go back to sleep after he's done. I think part of it is the fear that he's not down for good so I'll just be summoned from my bed right as I'm getting back to sleep. The other part is how could you not be completely woken up by nursing?

I realized tonight that I've seen 3 in the morning more in this season of life than any other time in my life. Most people probably see 3 in the morning during their college years while they're partying. The only time I ever saw it during college was when I was writing a paper at the last minute (which did happen quite often).

Coen will sometimes surprise me in a really good way. Being only 6 weeks old I don't expect a lot from him. I don't expect him to sleep through the night. I don't expect him to be able to put himself to sleep if left in his cosleeper. I don't expect him to nap for hours at a time in the day. Those things are what is expected of babies as they get older. We're about 2 months away from that. But a few times this week, including last night, he was pretty drowsy so I put him in his cosleeper, gave him a kiss goodnight, and shut the door. And he went to sleep. I didn't have to go back in once. Of course I was still up for another half hour waiting for the crying to start, but I was one proud mama. I still don't expect him to do it every time, but it's nice knowing that he's capable of it.

He's been going through a growth spurt the last couple of days and it seems like all he wants to do is nurse. He'll nurse about every hour and a half to 2 hours. And a lot of the time in between is spent sleeping. Some is spent in his gym but he'll fuss quicker than before either out of tiredness or hunger. So the last couple days we've been parked on the couch. Luckily I had gotten a book from the library. It's a new one so I only have it for 2 weeks...and it's over 700 pages long. Thanks to the growth spurt I'm already over 200 pages in. This is the most relaxed that I've gotten since he's been born: sitting on the couch holding a sleeping baby for 3 hours and reading a book. Pretty much how I would spend any other Saturday afternoon.

Bath time is still one of Coen's favorite times of day. And honestly it's one of mine too. Even if he's had a rough day, if he's not hungry at the time (and sometimes even then), he's always happy during bath time. He has his little seat that he sits in the bath and I use a big plastic cup to pour water on him. He sticks out his tongue to try to get the water when it splashes up his neck which is the cutest thing. He doesn't mind when I wash his hair and when we're done washing him up I'll support his head and let him float and kick in the water which he likes until he signals that he's done with bath time.

We went for a night walk two nights ago and it was Coen's first time outside at night. He was really content in his stroller until just at the end when he got hungry. Luckily we were 3 minutes from home so he didn't have to wait long. But other afternoons where we've gone for a walk he wasn't so content (last Tuesday I vowed to never go for a walk with him alone again). I'm wondering if he gets too hot in the afternoon, or is overstimulated and then just sitting in the stroller. Either way I'm looking forward to fall when it gets dark early so that it's much more doable to go for walks at night. Right now it interferes with bath and bed time, which I'm trying to keep pretty regular for him.

I fear I've become one of those parents that only posts about her kids. I don't remember the last Facebook status or Instagram photo that didn't involve Coen in some way. But there isn't much else to post when your child literally consumes your life (and I use consume in the best way). He is my life now. And when Doug and I are able to get some time to ourselves, the last thing I want to do is waste any of it creating a post about it. Besides, I think there's something healthy about just having a moment and not needing to inform the world about it.

I'd better try to go back to sleep before I have to wake up for the next feeding. Unfortunately the growth spurt feedings continue through the night (which is just mean after we were spoiled with a week of sleeping for 6 hours!)

6 weeks

The first couple of weeks with Coen were really hard. It was such an adjustment having a newborn and figuring him out. Every where I read said that the first 6-8 weeks were the hardest. I looked forward to getting to 6 weeks so much. I hoped that there would be light at the end of the tunnel, especially on hard days and nights. Don't get me wrong, Coen is actually an easy baby. He pretty much only cries when he's hungry and over tired. He's easy to calm and such a cuddler. But putting someone else's needs above your own when it means that you only get 2 hours of sleep in a night or don't get a chance to eat until 2 in the afternoon is such a shift of lifestyle. I love Coen so much and would do anything for him, which is why it is tough on me when he has those rough days and I just want him to be satisfied.

So 6 weeks was supposed to be the goal for things to be better. Today he is 6 weeks old and had a really rough day. It felt like I had a final and I failed it.

Ever since I got pregnant I googled everything. Every little thing that came up or question I had I did research. The same happened when Coen was born. Constantly researching. And there's a lot of conflicting advice out there. Today I was searching (I don't even remember what my original question was), but I found an article that talked about babies' sleep patterns. It was saying that you don't want to rock your baby to sleep every night because they get too used to it and then will need it for months and months. I've always rocked Coen to sleep. I love having a sleeping babe in my arms. But what the article was saying made sense and I felt like I had made a mistake. So when he was showing signs of tiredness I tried just laying him down in his co-sleeper (which he finally spent the night in the past one and a half nights) and letting him go to sleep on his own. But of course he couldn't since he was used to being put to sleep before being put down. I kept trying though, thinking that when he was tired enough he would fall asleep. At one point I got him just drowsy enough and put him down and he did sleep for about 20 minutes but then was up again.
So I decided to go for a walk with him to Target, thinking that he would fall asleep in his stroller. But he didn't. He just screamed a lot. I had to stop on the way and rock him to sleep for 15 minutes on the sidewalk. Then we continued. He stayed asleep for about 20 minutes but woke up very upset when I was in Target. He was now hungry so I fed him (first time in public!) and when he was done I headed home. But he still wanted to be held and cried so hard that I ended up carrying him the rest of the way home. I can handle fussiness, but when he does this one cry, you can't ignore it. And I don't want to. Eventually I can let him cry it out, but he's too young for that right now.

So it was a hard day. I was exhausted and frustrated and my back hurt from carrying him. I had a break down and then ate ice cream and felt better. He did fall asleep for a bit when I was watching a movie, but is still overtired. I gave him his bath and now he is out.

I've decided that it's ok to research stuff, but ultimately I know my baby better than the internet and it's ok not to follow all of the advice. I give him a pacifier. I rock him to sleep. I let him sleep in a swing for 3 weeks. I took him in the pool before he was 2 months (or are they supposed to be 3?). I don't strap him in his seat for his walks. I let his arms be out in the swaddle. All of these things are what I've discovered works for my son. Not everyone would agree with these and some might scold me, but at the end of the day Doug and I are the parents. There may be consequences for some of these choices, but just as we figured out what works for Coen now, we'll figure it out then. I don't expect to be the perfect parent, not even close. I just pray that God shows me how to best love and raise this child, his child.

Oh, and he's been sleeping on me like this for the past half hour:

And he's exactly where I want him. 

More changes

Today is the last day in our cupboard on the hill. I am so excited for the next phase of our life but I'm sad to say goodbye to the last one. I liked the chapter that we were living in. So many exciting changes, but it's hard to let go of the past sometimes.

We've had a lot of good times in this apartment. Lots of great movie nights. Sunsets on the porch. Cozy nights with our space heater. Running for miles around our loop. Free big band concerts every Monday and Thursday. The pool was never open while we lived here haha. We brought our first pet home here. And our first child. It was perfect for where we were in life. And our next place is going to be perfect for where we are going. We're like a hermit crab finding a better fit.

Tomorrow we get the keys to our new house. It has been one heck of a ride getting to this point, but God has been faithful and has provided when we saw no hope. I can't believe we're going to be home owners! It's going to be overwhelming deciding where to put stuff because we will have OPTIONS! It's exciting and overwhelming, especially with a newborn. Doug has done most of the packing (but I did most of the packing in the last move). I pack when I can, but between caring for Coen, sleeping, and eating, that doesn't leave much time. Today I put him in the Boba and he slept for 2 hours while I was able to pack up 5 boxes (amid lots of kisses since his head is right there)

We are starting to get into more of a routine which has made life easier. I know what to expect more now. Coen has a bed time routine of getting a bath, being read Winnie the Pooh, and then I put him in the swing. The past few nights he's gone straight to sleep. Then about 3 hours later he'll wake up to feed (although last night he skipped it and slept for 6 hours!), then 3 hours later he'll wake up to feed again, and then go back down for another 3 hours. So he's sleeping for 12 hours at night, but wakes up 3 times to feed. Then he'll take a few naps throughout the day. Those vary a bit depending on the day. Sometimes he's hungry more often and others he'll go for 4 or 5 hours before being hungry again. When he's awake I'll talk to him, read to him, and sing to him. He's a pretty easy baby considering all the stories I'll hear about other people's babies.

It also helps that I'm able to get out of the house more now. I was on a driving restriction and was unable to for the past 4 weeks, but now I'm able to more easily get out of the house. Even though there's no such thing as a "target run" with a baby, it's nice to be able to go on a "target trek" or drive to my parents or just drive (I had to drive around for 40 minutes last week when Coen was having a rough day. I'm excited to go for walks with his stroller though at our new place.

I've always been such a germaphobe and people would tease me about having a kid. I figured that when it was my own kid I wouldn't really mind the mess. And I was right. I've been spit up on, peed on, and pooped on and none of it really grossed me out. At least not as much as you might think.

I feel like I'm starting to get a hang of being a mom and really starting to enjoy it. Those were some tough growing pains though!

He's finally sleeping...

Let me be real. It's been a rough 24 hours. Maybe a little less than that, but it's been...blah.

Last night I gave Coen his bath and then fed him and he fell asleep around 11. I laid down at 11:30 to sleep and Doug watched him till he went to bed around 12:45. Coen woke up right away though once he was put in his co-sleeper. He was hungry so I grabbed the bottle that I had expressed earlier and fed it to him. After he had fed he didn't really want to go back to sleep. I held him and rocked him until he went back to sleep. I took us back to our room thinking we had been out there maybe an hour. But it was 2:45. So I laid him back down and went to sleep. He woke up at 4:30 needing to eat again. So I brought him out to the couch and fed him. I then put him in the swing for a bit and ate a granola bar since I was super hungry. Once he fell asleep I moved us back to our room and it was 5:45. But he woke up right away and was super fussy. I tried to rock him back to sleep and cuddle with him and burp him but he was having none of it. So I brought him back out and held him and put him back in the swing. Then I laid down on the couch to sleep for a bit. Then he woke up at 7:30. He needed a diaper change so I did that but he screamed through the whole thing. So then Doug was up. And then Coen ate again. Doug headed off to work and at 9 Coen was on his way to sleep. I was exhausted so I just brought him into our bed and we slept off and on until about 11:30. Then he needed to eat again. He fell asleep for a little after that. Normally he'll sleep for 2-3 hours so I did the dishes and then planned to shower after that. I only got through the dishes before he woke up a half hour after falling asleep. So he ate again and then was just alert and happy so we hung out and I was able to get some lunch. Then he ate again and my mom came over around 3 followed by Allison and Brian. He was a little fussy then


(6/17/14)
I never finished this blog for some reason. But I want to have it archived. I don't really remember any of this.

I feel like there are a lot of thoughts that I'll have throughout the day or week that I want to write about, and now that I actually have time, I can't think of them. Of course, two in the morning isn't normally my brainstorming time, but I'm waiting for Coen to completely pass out in the swing before sending us back to bed.

We will forever be learning more and more about this little man, but we already have made some observations:

1. Coen is loud. He is loud in his sleep. He moans and groans and I'll go to pick him up and he'll be fast asleep. In the very beginning there were even times where I'd arrange all of the pillows so that I could nurse him, then turn on the bedside light only to find him fast asleep, just making noise. He also makes noise when he eats. He'll make what I think are "yummy sounds." It makes it hard to feed him in our room in the middle of the night though cause I don't want to disturb Doug. I've told Doug not to worry about middle of the night stuff. Most of the time there's not much he can do to help, and if I'm up all night I at least will have a chance to sleep during the day. But since Doug has to get up to go to work, he should be able to sleep the best at night.

2. We think he likes bath time. The first time we gave him a bath we weren't smart and did it in our kitchen sink. We have a baby bath recliner for him to sit in and we put that in the kitchen. I'm sure it was too cold though and even though we were constantly pouring warm water over him he just wasn't having it. It could just be that it was a new experience that he wasn't used to. But tonight I turned on the heating fan in the bathroom, closed the door and filled up the tub partially with water. When he sat in his seat he was sitting in the water a bit and he seemed to love it. He didn't cry and he even fell asleep for most of the bath--even when I washed his hair. He also conked out right afterward so we're hoping it  might become part of his bedtime routine if he really does like them.

3. He loves being held. This might just be an infant thing, but I don't have much experience with that. The last couple of days he has wanted to be held most of the time. Which is fine with me. I don't believe you can spoil a baby and he won't always want to be held, or be small enough where holding him is easy. Pretty much I only put him down if I'm needing to do something myself. If I'm sitting on the couch watching TV while I nurse him and he falls asleep, I'll just continue to hold him as long as I'm there. I'll use his swing though if I need to eat or if I'm going to nap myself. But sometimes that doesn't last long and he'll want to be in actual swinging arms.

4. He doesn't have a solid routine but he definitely has some patterns of sleep and wake. He's awake mostly in the late evenings. Sometimes he'll be awake in the mornings too, but lately he'll have breakfast and then conk out for another few hours. Then it's just sleeping and eating every few hours until evening. He'll be awake for a few hours, eat one more time, and then fall asleep. He usually only wakes up once during the night, maybe twice. Of course, he doesn't usually go to bed until midnight or one, but he can usually go 4-5 hours at night. And it feels longer when we wake up and it's light out as opposed to waking up multiple times in the dark.

I think he's solidly out so we're going to go back to bed now. Got to take advantage of his sleep time!

One week

We're hanging in there and taking each day by day. Some days have been really hard and some nights have been excruciating. And then we've had a couple nights where Coen is only up once. Two nights ago he slept from 1:30 till 7! It was terrifying cause I felt like something was wrong! But no, he was fine. I call Doug the "baby whisperer" cause he's the one to get him down most nights. He's got a special touch with him.

About a month before Coen was born I was listening to a country pandora station and heard this song and really liked it. Then I forgot all about it until my mom texted me about it and reminded me. So this song has been on my heart during the hard times. Of course, during those times I feel more like, "Yeah right!" but I know that is true.

Already there are times when Coen will finish eating and he's sleeping and I'm just holding him. Doug will suggest putting him down so that I can do something, like sleep myself or eat or shower. But I told him that I'm just too conflicted. Of course I want to do those things (especially sleep!) but I really just want to hold him and stare at him to soak it all up. It feels like such a waste to put him down sometimes. I know it's going to go so fast. Too fast.

About every other day I'll have a case of the baby blues. At least I think that's what they are. I always thought of the baby blues as being depressed or sad for no reason. No good reason at least. So I don't know if this is baby blues or not. I'll have some trigger that really overwhelms and stresses me and I'll just break down. Usually when I feel like I'm unable to take care of Coen, when I'm unable to feed him correctly, or get him to sleep. And I'll just have these thoughts of what a terrible mother I am that I can't even care for him. It's an ugly, dark place to be in and it usually strikes at the end of the day when I'm exhausted and extra tired. Doug really takes care of me in those times. I've been leaning on prayer and worship songs. Especially this one:

Coen's umbilical cord came off a little yesterday. It was hanging on by a thread for a bit but was still gooey underneath and needed to dry out. It's not infected or anything, just not done healing. So hopefully that will heal up soon so we don't have to be so careful with diapers and clothing and handling him. 

I'm still healing and feel pretty immobile. I'll be up for about 20 minutes or so and then am in too much pain and have to sit or lie down. I feel like I'll be doing a lot better once I'm healed and am only exhausted, not in excruciating pain off and on. 

Well, Coen's sleeping on my lap as I type this, but I could use a nap. Here's to many naps over the next week!

Welcome Baby Christiansen

For this story we need to go back a few weeks. At one appointment I had been told that baby boy wouldn't be making an appearance for at least 3 weeks. I was fine with that because my due date was three weeks away. I always thought that he'd be a June baby. That I had at least till the 30th before he would come, even though it would be normal for him to be two weeks early (or two weeks late). The next appointment though when I was checked I was 1 centimeter dilated and 70% effaced and was told that he could come at any time. I got a little freaked out because I was not ready for him to be here. I had a list of stuff in my head that I felt like needed to get done. Among them was finishing our anniversary scrapbook up to date, cleaning the apartment, and setting up his co-sleeper. So I went home, made a list, and started to scratch stuff off of that list.

I was still working and was scheduled to work until a week before my due date. I had guests and co-workers alike who couldn't believe I was still working, but it wasn't a strenuous job and I didn't want to sit around at home all day. Not yet. I figured that by going out 6 days before my due date, I'd still have time to sit around the apartment, kind of get a mini staycation before the big day. So the last day I worked was Saturday the 24th.

On Monday morning, my first sleep in day (and what would end up being the last!) I started having Braxton Hicks contractions. I had had them before so they didn't alarm me. Doug and I set up the co-sleeper and I finally had completed my to-do list. My best friend, Allison, came over and we hung out a little. I had been timing my contractions before she got here, but they were irregular, and they fizzled out after she got here. False labor.

She left around 5 and I made dinner and Doug and I were watching Breaking Bad. The contractions started again around 6 so we started timing them. They were ranging from 6 to 9 minutes apart, but not growing closer or stronger. They were just there. Doug was sure I was in labor and packed the last of our things. I wasn't so sure, so I laid down at 10 to rest, just in case. I dozed in and out between 10 pm and 1 am. Sometimes the contractions woke me up and sometimes they didn't phase me. Doug came to bed around 1:30-1:45 and asked if the contractions were still happening. I told him I thought so, so we started timing them again. By the second or third contraction Doug had dozed off. I went to tell him the next one was starting and he didn't answer. Then with that contraction my water broke. So I touched his shoulder and let him know it was time. The clock said 2 am.

I didn't feel prepared for how much fluid continually gushes. No one told me! I knew there'd be a lot when it broke. I put on pants and shoes, we grabbed our stuff and headed to the car. By the time we got to the car I had had another contraction and my pants were soaked down to my sandal. I told Doug I had to go back and change my pants cause I was already wet. So we did and I put on protection so it wouldn't happen again. Like I said, who knew it'd keep gushing like that! (the baby continually produces more fluid until he is born, but it's a lot of fluid).

We live 4 minutes from the hospital, and my contractions were 4 minutes apart. As we drove I ate a Luna nutrition bar since I figured the hospital wouldn't let me eat and I wanted some energy. When we got to the hospital my contractions were 4 minutes apart. By the time we were admitted and shown to a triage room (labor and delivery was filling up), my contractions were two minutes apart. I was only 4 centimeters dilated though. And still gushing fluid everywhere. Such a weird feeling.

It became apparent that I needed a delivery room ASAP, so they found one and wheeled me over to it. I gave the doctor my birth plan and he said everything in it was fine. The most important to me was to have my mobility, not be strapped to a bed. So I asked for a saline lock (instead of being continually hooked up to an IV) and intermittent fetal monitoring (instead of having to wear those monitoring belts 24/7), and no epidural. I had done my research and decided that an epidural was not for me. To me, the benefits didn't outweigh the risks, and I wanted all the hormones that came with a natural birth. And there were a lot of benefits in itself of having a natural birth! There were quite a few other items on my birthing plan, and the hospital adhered to all of them without question.

I was monitored for about 10 minutes and then asked to get in the shower. They had gotten a good enough spread of my contractions and his activity and heartbeat and knew everything was ok, so they let me. Doug was great, rubbing my back and praying over us. He was very attentive and constantly willing to do anything I needed done.

I got in the shower and labor was already pretty intense. It was hard when I was in the room. I couldn't even sit on the bed because the pain made me too antsy. I more stood leaning onto the bed through each contraction. The shower felt amazing though. I thought I would like it because showers have always had an emotional and mental calming effect. And this was no different. The contractions got way more painful and I was constantly having to change positions to alleviate it. Sitting, leaning against the wall, squatting, all fours, standing. I pretty much moved during each contraction and then tried to sit between to allow my body some rest. The moaning and groaning also started here because it felt better to vocalize the pain than to keep silent. I also used a mantra of "My body and baby know what to do" and kept praying through it all. Doug was beside the shower the whole time, but it wasn't big enough for him to really be with me. I think it was ok though because I don't know if touch would have felt good at that point.

After 45 minutes in the shower the nurse came to tell me that they needed to monitor me again. So after the next contraction I toweled off and went back into the room. Again, I had a hard time just sitting on the bed so I was back to standing. During a contraction I yelled to Doug that I felt like I had to push. So he ran to get the nurse who promptly came. She checked me and said that I had just a little bit of cervix left, and let me have 2 more contractions and then said that I was ready to push.

The nurses and doctor weren't quite ready for me yet because it had come so quick. My saline lock was put into place in case they needed to give me medicine and my blood was drawn. It made me laugh because I was suffering through each contraction and the phlebotomist goes "ok, little pinch now" as she stuck the needle in my arm to draw blood. Yeah, I didn't feel that at all! The last few contractions I was screaming bloody murder through. It was bearable only because I knew I was so close to the end, that it wouldn't last much longer, and that was a real comfort.

The nurse coached me through how to push because I wasn't so sure (even though I had put in my birth plan to let me push as my body directed. I changed my mind on that one!). With the next contraction I started pushing. It was only 4:10 and I had dilated 6 centimeters in 2 hours. I kept pushing with each contraction and then she yelled at a nurse to get the doctor. He came in the room and we were all finally ready to have that baby. I pushed for 25 minutes and was told I was doing really well. I was told when they could see his hair. It was frustrating only being able to push during a contraction because I wanted to be done. There were a couple times where I wanted to push again but had to stop because the contraction had ended. Doug kept telling me how amazing I was doing and encouraging me. The nurse kept saying I was pushing really good and to keep it up.

He started crowning and I asked if I could feel his head as I waited for the next contraction. What a strange feeling! Encouraging though since I could physically feel how close he was. I kept pushing and he finally was out! (Doug says that I pushed about 8 times). It was 4:35 am. My first thought was "He's huge!" and they put him straight onto my chest. I noticed right away the cord that was wrapped once around his neck and urgently told them right away. The doctor took him back and unwrapped the cord and then laid him back on my chest. They toweled him off around me without moving him off my chest, and he cried a little. They rubbed his back to get him to cry a little more, just to make sure that his airways were clear. He was comforted right away though by being on me. I kept just repeating, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe he's here!" I had asked for the cord to stop pulsing before being cut. The doctor got ready to cut it right after he was born and I said,
"Wait! I want it to stop pulsing!" So he waited and then when it was done Doug got to cut the cord. I got to feed him a bit but we mainly cuddled. I felt really loopy and was kind of blabbering with Doug, and nurse, and doctor. I had pushed too hard and was told that I had burst capillaries all over my face. I also burst quite a few in my eyes and look like a Walking Dead Zombie. I had a lot of bleeding in my pelvis that would end up swelling and bruising. I had also tore a little and needed to be stitched up. Even though he was here there was still stuff to be done and I delivered the placenta about 20 minutes later. They also push on your uterus to help it contract and to slow the bleeding. That hurt! Even after labor it hurt. They continually had to push and massage it throughout the day and it was torture every time.  I was offered a Motrin and I took it after being assured that it was safe for breastfeeding.

After an hour and a half, they took baby to be measured and weighed and his PKU test. He was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 21 inches long. The plan was to move us to a postpartum room. But when they sat me up to transfer me to the wheel chair, I got super dizzy and passed out. I've never passed out before and it's such a weird feeling. Like you're almost dreaming and then woken up really quick (with the ammonia pads) and you don't remember laying back down. They had me drink some gatorade and the doctor ordered fluids for my IV. I was also given some biscuit to eat but it just made me feel nauseated. They tried to move me a couple more times but I was too dizzy and was laid down to rest. Two hours later they were able to move me to my room. I don't really remember getting in there though.

Doug's mom had driven down from Pismo as soon as she got our text that we were going to the hospital. Because I had such a hard time transferring she had to wait a long time before being able to see us but she got to hang out with us for a few hours while I tried to get some sleep.

About an hour later they tried to get me to stand so that I could go to the bathroom. I stood up initially but then felt dizzy and fainted again. More ammonia pads that make you gag so you wake up. My ears would ring and I could do nothing but just lay there. A few hours later they tried again but I fainted a third time. My personal doctor was at the hospital now and came to see me. She asked why I had pushed so hard. I told her I was given positive reinforcement from the staff and told to push hard. So I did. If I should have slowed down someone should have told me!

Because I couldn't stand I was kept on my IV of fluids, given a catheter, and also had circulation pads put on my legs (pretty much they alternated pressure like a blood pressure monitor does. Super annoying). Now I was definitely tied down to a bed :(

I called my parents since we hadn't been able to get a hold of them earlier and they both came down on their lunch time to meet baby. Doug and I were still trying to think of what to name him. We had a top 3 of names that we liked but neither of us really had a preference. Doug finally said that he thought he liked Coen the best, and I said that was fine with me! I liked all of our names, but Coen is really special. It means "bold" or "brave" in German. I had thought of it while driving one day. Just came to my head out of the blue.

So now we had a name to introduce him. Coen David Christiansen. His middle name is David for Doug's dad's namesake.

Nana and Papa and our Pastor, Daniel, also came to see him in the early afternoon. Doug stayed with me the whole time at the hospital, sleeping on the most uncomfortable pull out chair imaginable and grabbing food when he could. He also took care of the dirty diapers when the nurses weren't around, and would pick Coen up for me when he started to fuss since I couldn't reach him. And Doug is such a natural with him!

Every time we would get settled, another doctor or nurse would interrupt us. It was frustrating. I'd finally doze off and then they'd need to take my vitals. Coen would be sound asleep finally and they'd need to take his vitals. Understandable, but very frustrating.

We met his pediatrician who we love. I think she's going to be great for him. And I just picked her off of a list of doctors on our insurance plans.

On Wednesday they tried to get me out of bed again. The first time I stood up I started to get dizzy and my ears began to ring so they had me sit down again. But I didn't pass out! So two hours later we tried again. And this time I was able to do it. They had me sit for a while first (ouch!), and then I stood up and was able to hobble to the door and back twice. So they had me sit for 20 more minutes (again, ouch!), and then I walked once more. Hallelujah. I didn't have to wear the leg things anymore, and my IV was through. They took the catheter out as well. I was finally free! I was still really weak and needed help whenever I needed to walk to the bathroom. I got to shower in the middle of the night randomly. I had gone to the bathroom and the nurse asked if I'd like to shower. It was 1 am but I said I would. It did feel amazing.

They kept drawing my blood for my hemoglobin levels since they were low. Luckily I didn't need a blood transfusion, although if things hadn't started looking up I probably would have needed it. I was anemic from all of the blood that had pooled in my pelvis in my bruising. Again, I wonder if the Motrin contributed significantly to that. I hadn't lost too much blood in delivery or after, it was the bruising that zapped my hemoglobin levels. So now I'm on iron supplements and a doctor ordered diet of meat at every meal to help my iron levels return to normal (although it will be a slow process). I don't feel dizzy when I stand, just a bit weak, and I'm not able to be on my feet for too long.

On Thursday Coen was discharged, followed by me a few hours later. We came home and naturally fell asleep immediately. Now we've been home a few days and are still getting the hang of things. It's been exhausting and overwhelming. I knew that it would be hard, but I didn't quite feel prepared for it (but really, how can you be?) Some of my expectations just needed to be adjusted, and some definitions as well. For example, a successful feeding isn't one where he latches on right away, feeds for 20-30 minutes on each side, gets every burp out, and falls back to sleep right after. A successful feeding is one in which he is fed, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much he (or I) gets frustrated and cries, and no matter what he does right after (even though it's 3 in the morning and he's wide awake). He was fed and that is success.

That is the story of our sweet baby boy joining our family. We are so in love with him and can't wait for you to meet him. We'd appreciate prayers as we adjust to this new life and strength to face each day when we're too exhausted to cherish our time with him. We thank you for al of the amazing support of our friends and family and have felt so loved on through the pregnancy and now the birth.

Love,
Doug, Chelle, and Coen

Coming home in his carseat

Milk Drunk passed out

Walkng Dead eyes